It's almost bed time, so I'm gonna make this a short one.
I'm going to see Dr. G tomorrow to get my follow up and first fill. Nervous, yes. Excited, absolutely. Thrilled to be able to finally lift weights again, you betcha. Hoping to have some restriction and maybe, just maybe see movement on the scale, you have no idea!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And most importantly...Amanda, Ronnie and Jody. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. (one for each of you). I was so proud of myself for being productive with my freak out without the fridge, but your words of encouragement gave me the extra boost I needed to hold my head high this week.
LilySlim Weight loss tickers
LilySlim Exercise days tickers
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
I'm out of hiding...
I hate it when I go into hiding, but was one crazy busy week last week and the week before. Things were super hectic at work, and that's usually where I blog and read about all you amazing women. Needless to say I'm super behind on what's going on in your worlds.
Then my world blew up this past Saturday. I guess you need a bit of a back story for this to make sense. Several years ago I was in a mentally abusive relationship for just over a year. He beat me down, and not like the military so he could build be back up stronger. As I look back on that relationship, he had no self esteem and saw that I was a independent woman at the time, so in order to keep me he felt he had to bring me down to his level. I was made to feel worthless, kept from my family and friends, and basically under his thumb. It's taken so long to start to build myself back up. So back to the present. I went out to dinner with some friends. I didn't think I knew where we going, but ended up I did. It's a bar/restaurant that goes by two different names that he and I used to be regulars at. As soon as I pulled into the parking lot, I freaked out. I've put so much effort into moving on, and just one place can bring it all back. Negative feelings of worthlessness, self defeat, and just plain disgust all came rushing back onto me. I didn't want to bring it up with my friends, and I don't know why I didn't blog about it right then, but rather I can home and had a flood of tears. I've been challenged by the therapist to feed my soul instead of my body, so I've found a devotional focused on being a confident woman. I couldn't get enough of it that night. I felt then I couldn't run to my family and friends because of the crap I got from them about being with him in the first place and how I need to let go. Ever been in an abusive relationship? When you're in it, it's hard to see from the outside what others see looking in. I see it now, but that doesn't make things any easier to forget. Granted, I'm not missing him anymore like I did two years ago when we broke up, and I realize that it was a negative time in my life. I wish I could go back and erase everything that happened, but since I can't I have to deal with it. I hid for a long time, and I know I can't do that anymore. I haven't had a negative reaction in terms of that relationship in so long, but at the same time I haven't intentionally put myself in a situation that would trigger any memories of it either. So here's my motto in hard times from now on (thank you Garth Brooks for this)...
Standing Outside The Fire
We call them cool
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
And risk the tables being turned
We call them fools
Who have to dance within the flame
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
That always comes with getting burned
But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire
We call them strong
Those who can face this world alone
Who seem to get by on their own
Those who will never take the fall
We call them weak
Who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist
And for that forsake it all
They're so hell-bent on giving ,walking a wire
Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire
There's this love that is burning
Deep in my soul
Constantly yearning to get out of control
Wanting to fly higher and higher
I can't abide
Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire
I'm ready to be a fool, to prove that I'm tough. I'm ready to take the chance of being called "weak" if it means that I'm finally trying life again, I have nothing to lose and everything to gain...I'm not one to just survive, it's time to be fully alive in myself.
Yesterday was a better day and today is getting even better. I keep telling myself that he has NO CONTROL over me. I was a plus size woman when I met him, but damn I was an independent confident woman. I carried myself as a woman who had nothing to lose. She's coming back, and I'm ready for her to be back in full force. I have you guys to thank for that too. I know that even though I don't know you except for your words on a screen you are my sounding board for things band and life related, you have no idea how grateful I am that I found this community. I count myself as truly blessed to have you (hands folded and head bowed to you), THANK YOU!
Then my world blew up this past Saturday. I guess you need a bit of a back story for this to make sense. Several years ago I was in a mentally abusive relationship for just over a year. He beat me down, and not like the military so he could build be back up stronger. As I look back on that relationship, he had no self esteem and saw that I was a independent woman at the time, so in order to keep me he felt he had to bring me down to his level. I was made to feel worthless, kept from my family and friends, and basically under his thumb. It's taken so long to start to build myself back up. So back to the present. I went out to dinner with some friends. I didn't think I knew where we going, but ended up I did. It's a bar/restaurant that goes by two different names that he and I used to be regulars at. As soon as I pulled into the parking lot, I freaked out. I've put so much effort into moving on, and just one place can bring it all back. Negative feelings of worthlessness, self defeat, and just plain disgust all came rushing back onto me. I didn't want to bring it up with my friends, and I don't know why I didn't blog about it right then, but rather I can home and had a flood of tears. I've been challenged by the therapist to feed my soul instead of my body, so I've found a devotional focused on being a confident woman. I couldn't get enough of it that night. I felt then I couldn't run to my family and friends because of the crap I got from them about being with him in the first place and how I need to let go. Ever been in an abusive relationship? When you're in it, it's hard to see from the outside what others see looking in. I see it now, but that doesn't make things any easier to forget. Granted, I'm not missing him anymore like I did two years ago when we broke up, and I realize that it was a negative time in my life. I wish I could go back and erase everything that happened, but since I can't I have to deal with it. I hid for a long time, and I know I can't do that anymore. I haven't had a negative reaction in terms of that relationship in so long, but at the same time I haven't intentionally put myself in a situation that would trigger any memories of it either. So here's my motto in hard times from now on (thank you Garth Brooks for this)...
Standing Outside The Fire
We call them cool
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
And risk the tables being turned
We call them fools
Who have to dance within the flame
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
That always comes with getting burned
But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire
We call them strong
Those who can face this world alone
Who seem to get by on their own
Those who will never take the fall
We call them weak
Who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist
And for that forsake it all
They're so hell-bent on giving ,walking a wire
Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire
There's this love that is burning
Deep in my soul
Constantly yearning to get out of control
Wanting to fly higher and higher
I can't abide
Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire
I'm ready to be a fool, to prove that I'm tough. I'm ready to take the chance of being called "weak" if it means that I'm finally trying life again, I have nothing to lose and everything to gain...I'm not one to just survive, it's time to be fully alive in myself.
Yesterday was a better day and today is getting even better. I keep telling myself that he has NO CONTROL over me. I was a plus size woman when I met him, but damn I was an independent confident woman. I carried myself as a woman who had nothing to lose. She's coming back, and I'm ready for her to be back in full force. I have you guys to thank for that too. I know that even though I don't know you except for your words on a screen you are my sounding board for things band and life related, you have no idea how grateful I am that I found this community. I count myself as truly blessed to have you (hands folded and head bowed to you), THANK YOU!
Thursday, March 17, 2011
I'm still all over the place...
Work is busy (which I love), after work life is busy too (which I need to learn to say "no" to as it's beginning to take it's toll). So I've decided tonight I'm making time for me and not going out, but rather staying home, reading your wonderful stories and taking a walk.
But until then, I have some very important questions for you pros...
1. I have a scale, but it only reads in increments of 1/2 pounds. I keep thinking to myself that I need one that weighs in smaller increments so I can celebrate every victory. Am I right? How small to scale increments go? Any suggestions on brands?
2. I'm so freaking hungry!! I have two more weeks until my first adjustment and I'm so afraid that I'm going to sabotage everything that I have done so far. I'm trying to be be conscious, I'm very conscious actually of what I put in my mouth, but when the pain of hunger hits, old habits start to kick in and while I've learned enough to pull them back, it's not always before they start. How did you deal with this?
3. I met with the behavioral health specialist with Dr. G's program yesterday. While I have a feeling that working with M will be super beneficial in this process, it was just awkward yesterday. I think we were both trying to get a feel for each other. I'm not really sure what things to bring up to her and how. I guess between now and the time I meet with her again (a week after my fill) I'll try to keep a journal so I have a better idea of where to go. Do any of you meet with someone? Did you start meeting with them after the procedure or before? Does it help?
4. What do you do to celebrate St. Patty's Day?
But until then, I have some very important questions for you pros...
1. I have a scale, but it only reads in increments of 1/2 pounds. I keep thinking to myself that I need one that weighs in smaller increments so I can celebrate every victory. Am I right? How small to scale increments go? Any suggestions on brands?
2. I'm so freaking hungry!! I have two more weeks until my first adjustment and I'm so afraid that I'm going to sabotage everything that I have done so far. I'm trying to be be conscious, I'm very conscious actually of what I put in my mouth, but when the pain of hunger hits, old habits start to kick in and while I've learned enough to pull them back, it's not always before they start. How did you deal with this?
3. I met with the behavioral health specialist with Dr. G's program yesterday. While I have a feeling that working with M will be super beneficial in this process, it was just awkward yesterday. I think we were both trying to get a feel for each other. I'm not really sure what things to bring up to her and how. I guess between now and the time I meet with her again (a week after my fill) I'll try to keep a journal so I have a better idea of where to go. Do any of you meet with someone? Did you start meeting with them after the procedure or before? Does it help?
4. What do you do to celebrate St. Patty's Day?
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
I'm pretty random today...
I am going to blog like I'm thinking today...Lots going on, so the facts and no fluff. I can hardly keep up this week!
- good Lord, I'm hungry. I'm not gaining weight so I feel like I'm making good choices and drinking a lot of water, but that doesn't discount the fact that I feel like I could eat a horse the past couple of days. My company is about to come (some of you lovely ladies refer to that time as your TOM, but it's just my company) so its expected. Last night I ate more than have been able to since surgery and it didn't feel good physically so I'm guessing I ate TOO MUCH.
- maybe this is TMI, but I'm so glad my bowels are starting to go back to normal. After being on a liquid diet for 4 weeks I never thought I'd have a normal BM again.
- I go for my first adjustment in just over 2 weeks.
- I have my first appointment with the behavioral health specialist tomorrow. I'm determined to make the most of this band experience - mind, body and soul. I'm not sure what to expect, but I want to take advantage of what Dr. Geller's program has to offer, and free appointments with BH specialists are in my future. I'm ready to figure out why everyone else sees a beautiful confident woman in me, and I don't feel that way. I must be a good pretender. I'm ready to figure out why I'm so free to love and give to everyone else, but not myself. I'm ready to conquer the emotions and feelings that made me the way I am because I REFUSE TO FAIL!
- I am going to a surprise "Pretty Pretty Princess" party tonight for my cousin. She's turning 31. Yes you read that right.
- My 10 year old cousin shaved her head for St. Baldrick's this past Sunday. It broke my heart not to be there on stage with her (I did it last year), but I have promised next year to her. I love that such a young woman can be so brave to walk down the halls of middle school bald, by choice!
Ok, that's all for now, if there's more, which I'm sure I missed something I'll post it later.
- good Lord, I'm hungry. I'm not gaining weight so I feel like I'm making good choices and drinking a lot of water, but that doesn't discount the fact that I feel like I could eat a horse the past couple of days. My company is about to come (some of you lovely ladies refer to that time as your TOM, but it's just my company) so its expected. Last night I ate more than have been able to since surgery and it didn't feel good physically so I'm guessing I ate TOO MUCH.
- maybe this is TMI, but I'm so glad my bowels are starting to go back to normal. After being on a liquid diet for 4 weeks I never thought I'd have a normal BM again.
- I go for my first adjustment in just over 2 weeks.
- I have my first appointment with the behavioral health specialist tomorrow. I'm determined to make the most of this band experience - mind, body and soul. I'm not sure what to expect, but I want to take advantage of what Dr. Geller's program has to offer, and free appointments with BH specialists are in my future. I'm ready to figure out why everyone else sees a beautiful confident woman in me, and I don't feel that way. I must be a good pretender. I'm ready to figure out why I'm so free to love and give to everyone else, but not myself. I'm ready to conquer the emotions and feelings that made me the way I am because I REFUSE TO FAIL!
- I am going to a surprise "Pretty Pretty Princess" party tonight for my cousin. She's turning 31. Yes you read that right.
- My 10 year old cousin shaved her head for St. Baldrick's this past Sunday. It broke my heart not to be there on stage with her (I did it last year), but I have promised next year to her. I love that such a young woman can be so brave to walk down the halls of middle school bald, by choice!
Ok, that's all for now, if there's more, which I'm sure I missed something I'll post it later.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Hi ho, hi ho, it's back to work I go...
So yes, I finally went back to work yesterday, and between reading emails, and figuring out the mess that was left on my desk, I proceeded to catch up on the beautiful blogs that I had fallen behind on while I was off. My work chair is so much more comfortable than my home computer chair. So I read and read and read yesterday. The only problem is for some reason I can't comment from work...Boo...So my plan was to comment when I got home last night, good plan right? Hahaha...I passed out as soon as I got home and woke up long enought to take a shower and then went back to bed. So hopefully tonight. I'm reading, even if I'm not commenting, I promise!!
Monday, March 7, 2011
Three things...
So my last post I was so concerned with how difficult my recovery had been, that I failed to mention all the good things that went on while I was in recovery...Drugs make you go into your own little world, and when you "wake up" everything is such a surprise!
- My best friend from college and her family drove 100 miles to visit me for a couple of hours. It was so great to see her (and her pregnant belly), her husband and my god-child.
- A dear friend of mine gave birth to the most beautiful set of twin boys I have ever seen. (I feel a trip to Dallas in my future soon so I can officially meet them. I can't wait to get my hands on them!)
- I have dinner with friends every Sunday night, and we had a soup night just so I could be a part of it (aren't they sweet?) I have the most supportive friends ever!
- There's many more, but those are my highlights.
And the second of my two things - I start mushies tomorrow...I'm gearing up for a grocery trip in a minute. I'm so excited...I've been on all liquids for a month, I'm not sure I know what to do with myself.
And finally, I read Theresa's blog about the excitement in Louisiana right now, and it makes me yearn for Derby time here in Kentucky. 6 more weeks doesn't seem like a long time to wait, but I read about all the festivals and I understand in some way how much fun she's having because soon, very soon, Louisville will be a buzz with excitement and festivals and parades and parties as well. Thank you for sharing your pictures Theresa!!
One more thing, I have to leave you with the faces that end my weekend each and every Sunday. How could your Monday not start off right after loves from sweet little ones like this? It was great to have someone to share jello with! (Twins seem to be a common theme in my life right now.)
- My best friend from college and her family drove 100 miles to visit me for a couple of hours. It was so great to see her (and her pregnant belly), her husband and my god-child.
- A dear friend of mine gave birth to the most beautiful set of twin boys I have ever seen. (I feel a trip to Dallas in my future soon so I can officially meet them. I can't wait to get my hands on them!)
- I have dinner with friends every Sunday night, and we had a soup night just so I could be a part of it (aren't they sweet?) I have the most supportive friends ever!
- There's many more, but those are my highlights.
And the second of my two things - I start mushies tomorrow...I'm gearing up for a grocery trip in a minute. I'm so excited...I've been on all liquids for a month, I'm not sure I know what to do with myself.
And finally, I read Theresa's blog about the excitement in Louisiana right now, and it makes me yearn for Derby time here in Kentucky. 6 more weeks doesn't seem like a long time to wait, but I read about all the festivals and I understand in some way how much fun she's having because soon, very soon, Louisville will be a buzz with excitement and festivals and parades and parties as well. Thank you for sharing your pictures Theresa!!
One more thing, I have to leave you with the faces that end my weekend each and every Sunday. How could your Monday not start off right after loves from sweet little ones like this? It was great to have someone to share jello with! (Twins seem to be a common theme in my life right now.)
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
So outta touch, but I'm back...
I'm alive, and well finally...
It's been a rough week. Well rough is putting it mildly...surgery pain I expected, but I definitely didn't expect to have so many complications with medications. First the main pain medication made me extremely nauseous, as to be expected...but now when I'm asked if I'm allergic to any medications, the answer will be an resounding YES!! It really sucks to find this out when you have abdominal surgery and the effect is has on me is vomiting. All this from the medication that was suppose to make my stomach NOT queasy! SHEW. Phenogren is not my friend. Side note: the doctor is not worried about the vomiting as there was nothing in the band or in my stomach.
Other than not sleeping because of no pain meds, things went ok...but not sleeping more than a couple hours at a time takes it's tole on someone. Last night was the first night I was successful, and I'm happy to say I slept for 11 hours! I woke up feeling like a champ.
I'm having a hard time timing my protein shakes. I'm definitely sick of them, but I've decided I'm going to play with flavors a bit more so maybe they'll be not so boring. I am eating jello and soups and Popsicles, but can't seem to get all my protein in if I don't have two shakes.
Well, I'm exhausted. I have taken pictures, but I'll upload them tomorrow. I only wish I had taken some before my pre-surgery diet too because I can tell a huge difference already.
It's been a rough week. Well rough is putting it mildly...surgery pain I expected, but I definitely didn't expect to have so many complications with medications. First the main pain medication made me extremely nauseous, as to be expected...but now when I'm asked if I'm allergic to any medications, the answer will be an resounding YES!! It really sucks to find this out when you have abdominal surgery and the effect is has on me is vomiting. All this from the medication that was suppose to make my stomach NOT queasy! SHEW. Phenogren is not my friend. Side note: the doctor is not worried about the vomiting as there was nothing in the band or in my stomach.
Other than not sleeping because of no pain meds, things went ok...but not sleeping more than a couple hours at a time takes it's tole on someone. Last night was the first night I was successful, and I'm happy to say I slept for 11 hours! I woke up feeling like a champ.
I'm having a hard time timing my protein shakes. I'm definitely sick of them, but I've decided I'm going to play with flavors a bit more so maybe they'll be not so boring. I am eating jello and soups and Popsicles, but can't seem to get all my protein in if I don't have two shakes.
Well, I'm exhausted. I have taken pictures, but I'll upload them tomorrow. I only wish I had taken some before my pre-surgery diet too because I can tell a huge difference already.
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