'cause I'm so excited, nervous, and close to my primary goal!! It's finally seeming real to me. This is going to happen. It seems like it's been such a long road, but when I really look at it, not as long as it could have been.
Sometime last year I really started thinking about surgery and this past summer I researched until I couldn't research anymore. There was no doubt in my mind this is what I had to do.
October - told mom this is what I wanted to do. She and I found seminar for center I choose and registered.
November 19th - Bariatric Seminar - I could have done without this...really, some people are so ignorant!! But it was important to go because mom was with me and she got to hear what this craziness is all about.
December 16th - Initial Evaluation - I walk into the Bariatric Center, step on the most ominous looking scale (it reminds me of the one they use on the Biggest Loser, just a huge platform in the floor...really, I don't feel THAT big). Not a good start, but things got better. I watched a movie about different people's experiences with each stage of weight loss surgery. Then the nurse and I talked about what I can expect from the rest of my appointment and the rest of my life really - what changes I'll have to make to be successful, what will sabotage me, what resources are available to me when I need them, and much more. Enter the psychologist. She looked like Edna Mode, the seamstress from the Incredibles. She has this stack of papers, and she ruffles through them to find what she's looking for, the packet I filled out after I attended the Seminar. She asks me the same questions that I filled out in the packet and takes notes next to her highlights and on her separate paper...odd for sure, but I trust she was doing her job trying to find out if I was truly crazy or not. (I can't pass judgement about anyone else because I know I am for wanting this so bad). Next enter the dietitian. She was passionate about what she did and it showed. I walked out of there feeling like I could do this (and if I felt stuck, I have help)...and that's what matters.
Today, January 18th - Meeting with surgeon - and I think I'm in love. I'm on the Dr. Geller bandwagon. I was so nervous and excited last night...like a kid on Christmas eve wondering if they've been good enough all year for Santa to come. I didn't sleep much, and was up as soon as the alarm clock went off. I even beat the staff to the office this morning. At the same time, I really thought I was going to be sick. I wanted this over with. Like everything else in this process I had to wait when I got there, but once the waiting was over, it was so worth it. At every step of the process I was asked if I had any questions. So once Dr. Geller came in, he didn't beat around the bush. He told me what I was up against, how much I should weigh to be at a healthy weight, told me all the complications that could come from this, and most importantly didn't promise me a miracle. It's been well ingrained into my head that I will have to work. Nothing is being handed to me on a silver platter, but rather, something more like a road map to keep me on the right track. When I have direction, I can hit it out of the ball park!!
****ON ANOTHER NOTE -
I guess with last night's nervousness, I got a little emotional, as I tend to do. I starting having a pity party. I was really hard on myself the way I looked. How I could let myself get to this point, but that's a usual inner fight for me. I was also really hating my hair last night. I shaved my head this past March in honor of a friend of mine who has had a long going battle with cancer. She is fighting, and it was what I could do to show my support. I am in that awkward growing out phase, and to be frank, it's a battle daily.
Today, I've come to some conclusions...first my hair. It's growing back. That's all I can ask for. Being bald for a while was extremely important to me to support J and others who battle cancer like she does, and honor the memory of A. These women are/were amazing in their strength and drive in this battle, and that's more I can say for myself in some tough situations in life. My frustration is nothing compared to those who battle this disease daily, and so every time I start to feel sorry for myself and my hair situation, I'm going to say a little prayer for J to remind me that my battle is nothing.
Now my body. I've lived most of my 30+ years as plus size. I don't know what it's like to be a "normal" shape and size. I've been healthier at times than I am now, but still plus size. That being said, I'm a damn lucky woman. I'll start from the top. I don't have sleep apnea. I have a healthy heart capable of loving and caring about my family and friends. No heart disease, no high blood pressure. I have managed to escape the torture of GERD. I may be sweet as sugar (depending on who you ask), but I don't have diabetes. While I may laugh so hard at times I feel like I am going to wet myself, urinary incontinence is not something I have to worry about. I do have PCOS, but this is something that can get better from losing weight. Yeah! I have been blessed with limbs that work just fine. I have no joint degeneration in my knees as far as I know. So while I tend to beat myself up, my body, even though I may not have been so great to it, has been nothing but wonderful to me, never failing me or letting me down. I guess I can think of the band as my gift to it.
hey catherine! thanks for following me - i definitely relate to how you feel. i am very very bad about hating myself and my image because of my weight. matter of fact i can't even remember the last time i thought something positive about myself. i hope to change that with the band and working with it for success. i wish you the best of luck and look forward to following you on your journey! where are you located at?
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