Billie Holiday and Help Please!!!

So I've been reading a little bit about Billie Holiday.  Her childhood and the questions that surround her paternity, her rise to success even though she had obstacles to overcome (did you know she had a range of just over an octave?), her relationships, and her addictions.  There's a quote that I've hung onto for quite some time, but now it means more to me knowing about the person who said it, and knowing what I'm about to go through...

The difficult I can do today.  The impossible will take a little longer. - Billie Holiday
I need to see this everyday...I'm thinking about writing it on my arm in permanent marker.  I'm really serious about this.

HELP NEEDED -
Know anyone who did a full liquid diet before surgery?  Will you put me in contact with them please?

I received my pre-op packet yesterday from Dr. Geller's office...WTF??  I was fully prepared for a pre-op diet, but I wasn't prepared for two weeks of only liquids!  Oh, let me mention that these liquids can't include dairy and caffeine.  Thinking about this makes me queasy...can I do it?  How am I not going to pass out from weakness?  I know I need to go back through the blogs I've read and find someone who did a liquid pre-op and see how they did it, but right now quitting smoking seems like it was a cake walk compared to what this is going to be!  I know I can do it, I just need all my ducks in a row before I start so I don't set myself up for failure when the time comes to start.  So tomorrow starts to the journey of coming off leaded coffee (diet coke is already cut out).  Wish me luck cause I'm nervous and I'm trying not to think about it until I have to...

Alright, Grey's is a re-run again, so it's a good book tonight for me. 

Top 10 Great Things from Friday through Monday...

10. Puppy kisses are wonderful.

9. I finally cleaned out my junk closet.

8. I still love my job and amazing work family after almost 6 years.

7. The STEELERS are going to the Super Bowl.

6. I had dinner with my college roommate this weekend, and it was great to catch up.

5. I bought a new coffee pot since the old one broke...oh sweet java how I've missed you!  (Work coffee just sucks)

4. Sunday dinner with my friends was wonderful, as always.  Baby laughter (x4 - 2 sets of twins) is a great way to start my week.  There's something about kissing little people (who are suppose to be chubby) that makes me so happy!

3. My Kentucky Wildcats won Saturday's ball game.

2. The STEELERS are going to the Super Bowl.  (Did I already say that?  Well it was worth saying twice.)

1. And finally, I got a call from Dr. Geller's office today...It's official!  I have a date.  I WILL BE BANDED ON FEBRUARY 22ND.

WTF...

Not WTF as in "what the fuck" but "Wednesday, Thursday and Friday"

It's been a rough week, and I see I've got a lot of learning I'm going to have to do in terms of how I deal with stress and emotion. 

Just a bit of a back story, I have been so lucky to have known all of my grandparents.  Some for much longer than others, but still, I've known them all and most of them well into my adulthood.  So at the start of this journey in November, my Papa got very sick very suddenly and passed away just a few days later.  I was a Papa's girl, and while it's never easy to lose someone you love, it's hard to lose someone so fast and to something that could have taken any of us just as quick as it took him (he passed away from a staph infection, more specifically MRSA). 

Back to this week.  Wednesday was hard because it was my Papa's birthday.  He has always been so supportive of my "program" (that's what he has always called my weight loss attempts) because he knew what it was like to be a big person and lose a lot of weight.  He lost 80 pounds on his own.  I was doing ok with that, I went to the cemetery (which I do often actually especially when it's warmer outside) and just talked (in my head, otherwise I would look super crazy).  Is it weird that I find comfort, serious comfort, from being at the grave site of my grandparents?  Be honest.  I'm crazy aren't I?

So I get home, go through my routine, take a shower, and when I get out of the shower, there's a text from my ex.  WTF?  Seriously this time WHAT THE FUCK?  This man didn't have high self esteem when we were together, and tore me down, way down, to feel better about himself.  Mind you, this wasn't the military's version of tearing you down to build you back up.  And then he left, leaving me a mess, feeling like crap, wondering what I did, and eating my insecurities.  So I started thinking, and all the feelings of when he left me came back - cue water works please.  I don't want to start beating myself up again before I go to sleep, as I was in bed at this point, so I text a good friend of mine...but alas, he's been called into work early, and when he asks if I'm ok so as not to worry him, I tell him yes...as I'm sure one can imagine, I cried myself to sleep Wednesday night.

Oh Thursday, that was a special day too.  Thank god work was busy for part of the day.  So I called Anthem to check on the status of my pre-authorization for the surgery.  "I'm sorry ma'am, we haven't received anything for a surgery."  Seriously?!!?  Then anxiety driving home because my wonderful place of employment decided that we needed to stay until the heaviest part of the snow fall and then we could leave to begin our journeys home.  Thanks.  I made it home in one piece, but I was frustrated that my surgery hadn't even been submitted yet :0( ...

...And I felt really bad for lying to my friend last night.  It seriously was eating me up.  The friendship I have with him is unique.  We dated for about 2 weeks 5 years ago, and then I didn't talk to him for about 3 months.  Ever since then, we've been very close.  Very odd, but we have a nickname for each other from the Pirates of the Caribbean movies.  So lets just call him Poppet.  My time with Poppet lately has been limited because I work first shift and he works third shift and a part time position too.  We used to watch Monday night prime time together, but that has fallen by the wayside, so since the holidays I've seen him twice and only at the bar.  When things were going on with the ex, he was there to tell me I was a real person inside and out no matter what butt-head tried to make me feel.  Honestly, Poppet is someone who has always made me feel special and appreciated for me and not self conscious of my size and how it fluctuates.  He met me at my smallest as an adult and is still here at my largest.  I know my tears scare him, but he doesn't run away from them, and these past 5 years I have been so grateful for that.  I haven't had the opportunity to really talk to him about how fast things are moving for me with this banding thing, and how happy/nervous/scared (just being honest)/hopeful/determined I am about the whole experience and how I'll need his support in this too.  There is a point to all this.  I freaked out last night with tears, after I ate.  I am just glad I don't keep much in the house that is an easy grab and shove in my mouth (that doesn't stop me, but it makes it harder), but I did have a bag of chips.  Those are gone.  So, I'm feeling guilty for lying and I have to come clean.  And I did...and I think I freaked him out.  But here's part of the message...

"...I feel like I'm losing you in a round about way, and I need you now more than ever.  You being my Poppet, I need to know that you understand what I'm doing, and what's going to happen physically and mentally.  ...I'm going to lose my safety blanket and have to learn who I really am without it to protect me.  I need to know before it all starts if you're on board (because there are those who aren't with me in this, and I say fuck 'em)"

I felt like I had to put it out there.  He hasn't really showed any interest in wanting to know what I'm about to do, which is fine because it's my body...but it scares me too because of the changes I feel are coming and I just need to feel that he's willing to have our friendship grow with me.  It was brought to my attention the other day that maybe I am outgrowing him.  That maybe he and I are on different paths and I'm holding myself back with this friendship.  As I type this my heart hurts and tears are in my eyes.  I don't know.  Only time will tell.

On to today.  I call Dr. Geller's office at 2p just to see how long it takes to get everything processed.  She tells me just a couple of days.  So then I proceed to tell her that I've already called the insurance company and they don't have it..."oh it's in the stack to send today," she says.  Don't try to fool me honey, insurance is my business, I know medical insurance like the palm of my hand, and if there is something I don't know, I know how to find the answer fast!  With all that, hopefully they did send it today, and yes, I will check on Monday, and I'll have an answer next week and be able to set a date!!!!

So I have one more question.  I quit smoking in November...and I really want a cigarette right now but I'm not gonna go buy any.  Why is it so easy to resist smoking but not eating? 

Holy shit, this is therapeutic.  I feel so much better...maybe this is what I should have been doing last night. 

Well, have a safe and happy weekend.  Be careful in the snow...the Ohio Valley is gearing up for more on Monday.  Yippee!!  (I can't wait 'till the spring.  I can't wait 'till Derby time.)

I'm gonna throw up...

'cause I'm so excited, nervous, and close to my primary goal!!  It's finally seeming real to me.  This is going to happen.  It seems like it's been such a long road, but when I really look at it, not as long as it could have been.

Sometime last year I really started thinking about surgery and this past summer I researched until I couldn't research anymore.  There was no doubt in my mind this is what I had to do. 

October - told mom this is what I wanted to do.  She and I found seminar for center I choose and registered. 

November 19th - Bariatric Seminar - I could have done without this...really, some people are so ignorant!!  But it was important to go because mom was with me and she got to hear what this craziness is all about. 

December 16th - Initial Evaluation - I walk into the Bariatric Center, step on the most ominous looking scale (it reminds me of the one they use on the Biggest Loser, just a huge platform in the floor...really, I don't feel THAT big).  Not a good start, but things got better.  I watched a movie about different people's experiences with each stage of weight loss surgery.  Then the nurse and I talked about what I can expect from the rest of my appointment and the rest of my life really - what changes I'll have to make to be successful, what will sabotage me, what resources are available to me when I need them, and much more.  Enter the psychologist.  She looked like Edna Mode, the seamstress from the Incredibles.  She has this stack of papers, and she ruffles through them to find what she's looking for, the packet I filled out after I attended the Seminar.  She asks me the same questions that I filled out in the packet and takes notes next to her highlights and on her separate paper...odd for sure, but I trust she was doing her job trying to find out if I was truly crazy or not.  (I can't pass judgement about anyone else because I know I am for wanting this so bad).  Next enter the dietitian.  She was passionate about what she did and it showed.  I walked out of there feeling like I could do this (and if I felt stuck, I have help)...and that's what matters. 

Today, January 18th - Meeting with surgeon - and I think I'm in love.  I'm on the Dr. Geller bandwagon.  I was so nervous and excited last night...like a kid on Christmas eve wondering if they've been good enough all year for Santa to come.  I didn't sleep much, and was up as soon as the alarm clock went off.  I even beat the staff to the office this morning.  At the same time, I really thought I was going to be sick.  I wanted this over with.  Like everything else in this process I had to wait when I got there, but once the waiting was over, it was so worth it.  At every step of the process I was asked if I had any questions.  So once Dr. Geller came in, he didn't beat around the bush.  He told me what I was up against, how much I should weigh to be at a healthy weight, told me all the complications that could come from this, and most importantly didn't promise me a miracle.  It's been well ingrained into my head that I will have to work.  Nothing is being handed to me on a silver platter, but rather, something more like a road map to keep me on the right track.  When I have direction, I can hit it out of the ball park!!

****ON ANOTHER NOTE -
I guess with last night's nervousness, I got a little emotional, as I tend to do.  I starting having a pity party.  I was really hard on myself  the way I looked.  How I could let myself get to this point, but that's a usual inner fight for me.  I was also really hating my hair last night.  I shaved my head this past March in honor of a friend of mine who has had a long going battle with cancer.  She is fighting, and it was what I could do to show my support.  I am in that awkward growing out phase, and to be frank, it's a battle daily. 

Today, I've come to some conclusions...first my hair.  It's growing back.  That's all I can ask for.  Being bald for a while was extremely important to me to support J and others who battle cancer like she does, and honor the memory of A.  These women are/were amazing in their strength and drive in this battle, and that's more I can say for myself in some tough situations in life.  My frustration is nothing compared to those who battle this disease daily, and so every time I start to feel sorry for myself and my hair situation, I'm going to say a little prayer for J to remind me that my battle is nothing.

Now my body.  I've lived most of my 30+ years as plus size.  I don't know what it's like to be a "normal" shape and size.  I've been healthier at times than I am now, but still plus size.  That being said, I'm a damn lucky woman.  I'll start from the top.  I don't have sleep apnea.  I have a healthy heart capable of loving and caring about my family and friends.  No heart disease, no high blood pressure.  I have managed to escape the torture of GERD.  I may be sweet as sugar (depending on who you ask), but I don't have diabetes.  While I may laugh so hard at times I feel like I am going to wet myself, urinary incontinence is not something I have to worry about.  I do have PCOS, but this is something that can get better from losing weight.  Yeah!  I have been blessed with limbs that work just fine.  I have no joint degeneration in my knees as far as I know.  So while I tend to beat myself up, my body, even though I may not have been so great to it, has been nothing but wonderful to me, never failing me or letting me down.  I guess I can think of the band as my gift to it.

It's a waiting game...

But I thought games were suppose to be fun.  It seems like everything is hurry up and wait lately.  I have to wait for my appointment with Dr. Geller, and while I have a date, time is moving at a snail's pace to get there.  Tomorrow it will be a week until I meet him - a week too long. 

I really feel like I'm in a place of limbo.  I know once I get the thumbs up from Dr. Geller (because I will), I'm going to have to wait for the insurance approval...so more waiting. 

I've started going back to the gym.  At one time, I was a true gym rat and loved every minute of it.  Well, that's a lie, I loved lifting weights and I loved the high of being done with a work out.  I felt so beautiful (even though I know I looked like crap) when I was finished.  Back to my point, since I'm just now getting back into it, it's just cardio for me right now, and damn it hurts.  A friend of mine told me that muscles have memories, and it won't take long for me to feel confident again about being on an elliptical...but I want it now.  I know working out is not the most comfortable thing, but I'm truly waiting for it to stop aching this much. 

My time will come...until then, I wait...

Stalking - Is it a crime?

I'm not talking about real stalking, duh!  (Those days are over for me.)  I'm talking about blog stalking.  It sounds so bad, STALKING...But to be perfectly honest, this "stalking" is the best kind of research that I've done.  Pages and pages about the science of some band that I want around my stomach do me no good if I can't learn from the experiences of others...because, as I see it, those who write those informational sites probably have never had the experince that I want to put my body through. 

For those of you I've been stalking, THANK YOU.  Your stories, your experiences and your honesty have made me more determined in my decision (and more anxious in my waiting for something, anything, to happen on the doctor + insurance side of things).  I see that women I don't know, but yet feel like I have a huge connection with, have done this with success and overcome challenges too.  If so many of you can do this, hell, I can too. 

The Good Fight...

I know I said it was bedtime, but I meant to do this earlier and the Biggest Loser distracted me.

I have always been a huge Paulo Coelho fan.  He's a brilliant author.  It just so happens the book I'm reading right now, The Pilgrimage, is exactly what I need to be reading - better than the Alchemist.  I want to share part of it.

"The Road you are traveling is the Road of power, and only the exercises having to do with power will be taught to you.  The journey, which prior to this was torture because all you wanted to do was get there, is not beginning to become a pleasure.  It is the pleasure of searching and the pleasure of an adventure.  You are nourishing something that very important - your dreams."

"We must never stop dreaming.  Dreams provide nourishment for the soul, just as a meal does for the body.  Many times in our lives we see our dreams shattered and our desires frustrated, but we have to continue dreaming.  If we don't, our soul dies..."

"The good fight is the one we fight because our heart asks it of us..."

"The good fight is the one that's fought in the name of our dreams.  When we're young and our dreams first explode inside us with all of their force, we are very courageous, but we haven't yet learned how to fight.  With great effort, we learn how to fight, but by then we no longer have the courage to go into combat.  So we turn against ourselves and do battle within.  We become our own worst enemy.  We say that our dreams were childish, or too difficult to realize, or the result of our not having known enough about life.  We kill our dreams because we are afraid to fight the good fight."

"we always know which is the best road to follow, but we follow only the road we have become accustomed to."

For dreams and journeys, keep fighting the good fight...

Biggest Loser

So I vowed that I wasn't a Biggest Loser watcher after the first couple of seasons, but for some reason today the remote found it's way to NBC.  Lucky for me it's the season premiere.  Watching the first half of this show has really brought out some emotions in me...some good and some not so good. 

So I guess first I have to say that my appointment with Dr. Geller is now set.  I meeting with him at 9a on Tuesday January 18th.  So, yes, this is becoming real and not just a dream.

Ok, back to Biggest Loser.  I watched the weigh-ins, especially for the women, and I thought to myself that I don't look that big, then they step on the scale, and yes, I am that big and bigger.

I see these teams and how they push and encourage each other along in the challenge.  They came to the game with no one but their partner.  I'm not sure I could be successful that way...I'm blessed in that I have so much encouragement - from the support team I met at the bariatric center, to my family, to the select group of friends I have chosen to tell already.  I wasn't really sure what kind of reaction I'd get, and while I got some reactions that weren't ecstatic in my decision, there isn't anyone against my decision.  The best reaction was from my Cat in Lexington.  I will hold on to her reaction forever because it made my heart happy.  I can't explain the excitement I heard in her voice when I told her, and then the tears began.  Even though I'm just in the beginning stages, she has called and asked about every step.  She is gathering tips for me on how to be successful from others she knows that have started this journey before me.  I feel like she's my biggest cheerleader.  Come to think of it, in everything, Cat's been by my side even though she lives almost 100 miles away - she's laughed with me and cried with me and has never asked for anything in return.  Crazy analogy, but Cat is my clear nail polish.  I can't always see her, but the strength she provides is always with me.  Cat - I am blessed to have you in my life, I am honored you and Jerod chose me to be Madeline's godmother, and I am eternally grateful for your friendship these past 14 years. 

Other than my mom, I was so nervous to tell one particular person...I can't really justify why I was so nervous other than she was by my side when I thought that this extra tool was a cop-out to diet and exercise.  Don't get me wrong, I was successful with diet and exercise, and she cheered me on everyday and in every way.  But I was too caught up on the end game, and not what I had to do to get there.  Because I wasn't taking one day at a time, I got frustrated and I lost focus, and when I lose focus I can't finish what I've started.  So I call, and tell her point blank that this is the decision I've made.  I have no idea why I thought I wouldn't have her support because that assumption was totally wrong.  Dr. Susan, I've got my focus back and I didn't realize how much I was crying out for help.  I've asked for help and it's a relief.  I can't imagine how hard it is to watch a friend do what I've done to my body and know from a medical brain what I'm really doing to myself.  I guess I'm thinking of the band as a tool to remind me of where my focus is when I lose sight of it.  I've got until June I think until you move on, but know after you find your new destination that I want to share my victories with you...this blog might be my way to do it.

Ok, I think it's past bedtime for me...