Losing... Better yet - Baby Steps, No Worries...

I wish that I could say that the title of this long overdue post was about losing weight...and while I have lost some, it's not where I want it to be.  But regardless, that's not what this is about today.  So much has happened since I've last blogged.  I thought, stupidly, that I didn't have time to blog, that there were more pressing things in my life, and before it all fell apart I was doing ok.  Weight was coming off, I was happy, things were going my way, and well life was good.  I was doing well at the gym, I thought I was doing well in keeping up with friends, and I was being myself.  I had met up with an old friend and the relationship moved into something more.

Then my life turned upside down...

On Thursday November 17th, one of my best friends celebrated his 30th birthday. Friday, November 18th just before midnight, I received a call telling me Cole had passed away from a massive heart attack.  At 30 years old, what the fuck!!??!!  I told the caller she was lying, I called her every name in the book, and then I broke.  Thank god my boyfriend was with me.  I don't know what would have happened if I had been alone.  Now, a month later, my crying is out, my screaming is out, and the hurt has set in.  I'm mad, and I know that no one deserves my anger, but I want to place it on someone, anyone.  Who was the doctor that misdiagnosed him with asthma when they should have been treating his heart?  Why did the God that I have put my faith in for 32 years take away such a vibrant and deserving life?  Why did such a good person have to be taken away when there are scumbags in this world who lie, cheat and steal?  At the same time, I'm trying with all my might to think about what he would say to me...in April of 2010 we lost a mutual friend due to an accidental Benadryl overdoes, he was a pillar of strength.  He focused on memories of her, good times with her, and the blessing she was in our lives.  Everyday, even though sometimes the anger creeps in, I'm picking a blessing.  I can't lie, it's hard at times.  But other days, they slap me in the face.  Sometimes, things happen and I know without a doubt that Cole is telling me he's with me.  And I know that someday, somewhere, I'll see him again - whatever you believe, heaven, a big conference room, another life, etc, it's gonna happen and I can't wait for that reunion...I know he'll have my seat saved and my drink waiting, cause that's my Boo. 

On top of all this, and probably because of all this, my relationship is not going so well.  My boyfriend is not being super supportive right now in my grieving process.  I guess it's better to see true colors now and not later.  Maybe he's not supportive because I'm not doting on him, or because my Poppet (do you remember him from a previous post? WTF I think) is making sure I'm holding up everyday...The BF insisted on going to the wake with me, and then wanted to hurry me out.  When I wasn't ready to leave and he was, I gave him the car keys and told him to sit in the car that I needed time to say goodbye.  I asked him not to come to the funeral with me after the way he acted at the wake, and without me asking Poppet was there by my side the whole time.  Dear boyfriend wasn't happy about that...Poppet isn't going anywhere, just like my memory of Cole will never leave me.  We will see what happens with the boyfriend, especially since my brothers are in town (happiness is my brothers!!) and I want him to be included, but I will not put off time with my family that I see twice a year because he chooses to pout. 

In memory of Cole, I'm going to leave you with his words of wisdom...

BABY STEPS.  NO WORRIES.

RIP Cole 11/17/81 - 11/18/11



You couldn't be around Cole without laughing hysterically.



Bullets

Ok ladies, there has been so much going on that I feel it needs to be a bullet point kind of post...

• As for weirdo, guess he didn't get the point, because he kept calling and texting.  "I love you, I miss you."  He had my shoes after my cousins wedding and said that he would return them to me along with the 100+ pictures I took.  After three weeks of not getting them, I started to get mad.  The man had my SHOES.  What the hell did he want with my shoes?!?!  That was a way to push my buttons and he knew it.  I turn into a bitch when someone messes with my footwear, especially cute footwear that costs a pretty penny and is comfortable.  Drazil, I know you are a self proclaimed shoe expert, you feel me??  I was out for war and I let myself get worked up.  Along with the shoes, he had pictures of my family and I truly felt and still do feel disrespected.  I made it very public via Facebook that I was upset (I know, immature) and he sent me a message that he had left the stuff on my porch several day prior...well MOTHER F*&KER.  That means either he's lying and snuggling with my shoes at night or someone has stolen them.  I'll need to post a picture of my house, but no one would be able to see them on my porch if he left them where he said he did...so you guys know what I think.  He says that he has the pictures saved and will send them to me...guess what...still waiting for those.
• Speaking of Facebook, I have considered linking my blog to my FB account, but you know, there are things on here that i feel very comfortable sharing with you guys, but don't feel like the rest of the world needs to know.  It'd like you're my confidants.
• NOTE: R RATED BULLET - Now that that is said, here's a great reason why I don't want this linked with FB.  I'm going to confide in my best friends I've never met.  So since things have ended with weirdo, I've been hanging out with another friend more often.  Originally it started because the drive out to his house is so calming.  I turn off the radio, roll down the windows and just drive.  It's the perfect mix of highway and country roads.  So this friend and I have been hanging out more often because he listens, he has no expectations of me, and well, he's just fun.  I don't have to mind my p's and q's, I don't have to worry about how everything out of my mouth is going to be twisted and construed, I can be myself, and he understands my alien (what I've taken to calling my band) because he has a background in the medical field.  No it's not what you're thinking girls, or maybe it is, depending on what you're thinking ;0).  Let's just say this friend has become a different type of friend now...the type of friend with benefits.  I see the preview for "Friends with Benefits" with Justin Timberlake in the scene where he tells her that her ass is too boney (no my ass isn't boney), and it makes me chuckle.  I don't see this moving anywhere, but honestly it is so relaxing to be in a situation where a man accepts me for my brain (because we are friends), is concerned about my satisfaction first (because I've never been with a man like that before, holy shit that's amazing), and isn't demanding things that I need to do for him (girls this is a first for me).  END OF R RATED BULLET
• So onto the alien.  I have wanted so bad to give her a name.  Well she has one now.  Her name is Diamond, for many reasons.  First, diamonds are the strongest mineral on earth, and isn't that what this process is all about?  I'm working to find my strength.  Second, Diamond reminds me of a sassy girls name.  She has definitely been sassy as times.  She talks back and insists on having her way.  And third, a girlfriend of mine told me that Diamond is a strippers name...well, if this works the way I want it to, I'll look good enough to be a stripper right?
• My cousin is getting married in a week and a half.  Know what that means?  My brothers will be home!  And no weirdo to prevent me from spending time with them this time!!  I'm kinda bummed it's not this weekend because that means they would be home for my birthday, but beggars can't be choosers...I get to see my bubbies and I'm so excited.
• Well it's about time for me to head out now...but tomorrow I'll be at the NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK CONCERT.  My parents didn't by me a ticket when I was a little girl, so they bought me one for my 32nd birthday!

Hello my loverlies!

So I'm alive and working my ass off, literally.  If I'm not at work (full time or part time), then I'm at the gym and it feels amazing.  I don't know why it didn't dawn on me a hundred years ago that I could catch up on you guys at my part time job and respond to your blogs...so that's what I'm going to do now.  Bear with me, as I'm way far behind, but I'm super excited.  I'll catch you up on me at the FT job tomorrow.

What the hell have I done...too good to be true

I miss you girls.  I haven't been online to read your blogs or blog myself in God knows how long, I haven't been to therapy, I haven't been to the gym, I haven't taken care of myself.  Mentally, physically and spiritually I'm exhausted, I'm lost and I'm confused.  I put myself on the back burner and now I need to get back in check. 

Why you ask?  Because of a man.  A man who has turned out to be crazy as hell.  A boy who decided that after 6 weeks he loved me.  A man that went insanely jealous when my brothers came to town and I chose to spend time with them instead of solely spending my time with him (he was invited).  A man who claimed to understand my past abusive relationship but somehow started to act the same way and didn't quite get why i started to pull back.  A man who claimed to and still claims to love me and will do whatever it takes to build a life with me, but doesn't trust me.  A man who admired my independence but when it started to show got insecure. 

It's simple what I need to do, what I should do, and who I should be putting first...but the problem lies in the "fat girl" mentality.  I'm a fixer, I'm a pleaser, and it's not in my nature to hurt people on purpose.  At the same time, thanks to therapy, my former independent self is starting to resurface.  She's in there, and she's trying really hard to come out.  I was working on her before, and amazingly enough she was at the surface, but being with someone 24/7 with no time to myself does wondrous things to reverse the work that I have put so much time and effort into. 

I feel like I'm on a roller coaster and I say this to myself so often.  But again, it's time to put #1 first.  I'm currently shopping for a new gym, and I'm pretty sure I've found one.  I will start going to therapy again.  I will write and read blogs in this community.  I will come up with a schedule.  Baby steps, but changes are coming. 

I'm alive...

Man oh man, I seem to have been missing in action for a while.  Like the last post, things have still been a struggle for me, so not much has changed.  I feel frustrated, but it dawned on me today that I wrote this story of being overweight for myself.  I refuse to accept this story! It's kind of like those create your own ending books I used to read in grade school, it's time to create a new happy ending to this story.  I feel no restriction from my band so far, but that's no excuse.  My ending is in my own hands.  That being said, I started the couch to 5k program last night.  What torture!!  But it gives me something to work for.  Not instant gratification, but weekly results.  So I've checked in...and I promise to be more regular about posting.  Things have been so busy that I haven't even had time to read blogs...guess what I'll be doing tomorrow after I do the C25K and while the Idol results show is on...

Happy Wednesday!

The greatest 2 minutes in sports is in 5 days and counting...

It's hard to believe that I wait all year in anticipation for a horse race that lasts only two minutes.  Other things in my life that I "waited in anticipation for" and only lasted two minutes, I said no thank you the next time!  For weeks, Louisville has been in a buzz of excitement (Derby and flooding of a good part of downtown because of all this rain).  That being said, I haven't been ignoring this blog, just a bit busy...I have good intentions, but then something else comes up.

I've realized in the two weeks I've neglected to post or really read any blogs that this blog is my accountability in a way.  Reading your successes and struggles makes me realize I'm not alone.  Sharing my frustrations on here gives me the perspective that they really aren't so bad and I can work through them.  My weight loss has been none since I've last posted.  Maybe I need to start a ticker and put something up in my house so I have a visual of where I am and where I've come from.  I've talked to the dietitian and Dr. G's office and I'm still stuck as what to do.  The dietitian says I'm right on track with what I'm eating and Dr. G's office moved my fill up a week.  I'm going to the gym, but not like I should.  It's so rainy here and dark and gray that doing anything is just a drag. 

Well, I guess I better get back to work.  Have a lovely Monday.

Miss ya...

I'm a busy girl...can you tell? 

Just wanted to drop in for a second and tell ya'll I've been thinking about you and hoping that your past week and a half have been full of positive things. 

I finally get to spend a night at home tonight (just two) before I'm off to house sit again, so I'll give you the full run down tonight. 

Have a great Monday.

Fill #1 among other things...

It's almost bed time, so I'm gonna make this a short one. 

I'm going to see Dr. G tomorrow to get my follow up and first fill.  Nervous, yes.  Excited, absolutely.  Thrilled to be able to finally lift weights again, you betcha.  Hoping to have some restriction and maybe, just maybe see movement on the scale, you have no idea!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And most importantly...Amanda, Ronnie and Jody.  Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. (one for each of you).  I was so proud of myself for being productive with my freak out without the fridge, but your words of encouragement gave me the extra boost I needed to hold my head high this week.

I'm out of hiding...

I hate it when I go into hiding, but was one crazy busy week last week and the week before.  Things were super hectic at work, and that's usually where I blog and read about all you amazing women.  Needless to say I'm super behind on what's going on in your worlds. 

Then my world blew up this past Saturday.  I guess you need a bit of a back story for this to make sense.  Several years ago I was in a mentally abusive relationship for just over a year.  He beat me down, and not like the military so he could build be back up stronger.  As I look back on that relationship, he had no self esteem and saw that I was a independent woman at the time, so in order to keep me he felt he had to bring me down to his level.  I was made to feel worthless, kept from my family and friends, and basically under his thumb.  It's taken so long to start to build myself back up.  So back to the present.  I went out to dinner with some friends.  I didn't think I knew where we going, but ended up I did.  It's a bar/restaurant that goes by two different names that he and I used to be regulars at.  As soon as I pulled into the parking lot, I freaked out.  I've put so much effort into moving on, and just one place can bring it all back.  Negative feelings of worthlessness, self defeat, and just plain disgust all came rushing back onto me.  I didn't want to bring it up with my friends, and I don't know why I didn't blog about it right then, but rather I can home and had a flood of tears.  I've been challenged by the therapist to feed my soul instead of my body, so I've found a devotional focused on being a confident woman.  I couldn't get enough of it that night.  I felt then I couldn't run to my family and friends because of the crap I got from them about being with him in the first place and how I need to let go.  Ever been in an abusive relationship?  When you're in it, it's hard to see from the outside what others see looking in.  I see it now, but that doesn't make things any easier to forget.  Granted, I'm not missing him anymore like I did two years ago when we broke up, and I realize that it was a negative time in my life.  I wish I could go back and erase everything that happened, but since I can't I have to deal with it.  I hid for a long time, and I know I can't do that anymore.  I haven't had a negative reaction in terms of that relationship in so long, but at the same time I haven't intentionally put myself in a situation that would trigger any memories of it either.  So here's my motto in hard times from now on (thank you Garth Brooks for this)...

Standing Outside The Fire
We call them cool
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
And risk the tables being turned

We call them fools
Who have to dance within the flame
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
That always comes with getting burned

But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire

We call them strong
Those who can face this world alone
Who seem to get by on their own
Those who will never take the fall

We call them weak
Who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist
And for that forsake it all

They're so hell-bent on giving ,walking a wire
Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire

Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

There's this love that is burning
Deep in my soul
Constantly yearning to get out of control
Wanting to fly higher and higher
I can't abide
Standing outside the fire

Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

I'm ready to be a fool, to prove that I'm tough.  I'm ready to take the chance of being called "weak" if it means that I'm finally trying life again, I have nothing to lose and everything to gain...I'm not one to just survive, it's time to be fully alive in myself.

Yesterday was a better day and today is getting even better.  I keep telling myself that he has NO CONTROL over me.  I was a plus size woman when I met him, but damn I was an independent confident woman.  I carried myself as a woman who had nothing to lose.  She's coming back, and I'm ready for her to be back in full force.  I have you guys to thank for that too.  I know that even though I don't know you except for your words on a screen you are my sounding board for things band and life related, you have no idea how grateful I am that I found this community.  I count myself as truly blessed to have you (hands folded and head bowed to you), THANK YOU!

I'm still all over the place...

Work is busy (which I love), after work life is busy too (which I need to learn to say "no" to as it's beginning to take it's toll).  So I've decided tonight I'm making time for me and not going out, but rather staying home, reading your wonderful stories and taking a walk. 

But until then, I have some very important questions for you pros...

1. I have a scale, but it only reads in increments of 1/2 pounds.  I keep thinking to myself that I need one that weighs in smaller increments so I can celebrate every victory.  Am I right?  How small to scale increments go?  Any suggestions on brands?

2. I'm so freaking hungry!!  I have two more weeks until my first adjustment and I'm so afraid that I'm going to sabotage everything that I have done so far.  I'm trying to be be conscious, I'm very conscious actually of what I put in my mouth, but when the pain of hunger hits, old habits start to kick in and while I've learned enough to pull them back, it's not always before they start.  How did you deal with this?

3. I met with the behavioral health specialist with Dr. G's program yesterday.  While I have a feeling that working with M will be super beneficial in this process, it was just awkward yesterday.  I think we were both trying to get a feel for each other.  I'm not really sure what things to bring up to her and how.  I guess between now and the time I meet with her again (a week after my fill) I'll try to keep a journal so I have a better idea of where to go.  Do any of you meet with someone?  Did you start meeting with them after the procedure or before?  Does it help?

4. What do you do to celebrate St. Patty's Day?

I'm pretty random today...

I am going to blog like I'm thinking today...Lots going on, so the facts and no fluff.  I can hardly keep up this week!

- good Lord, I'm hungry.  I'm not gaining weight so I feel like I'm making good choices and drinking a lot of water, but that doesn't discount the fact that I feel like I could eat a horse the past couple of days.  My company is about to come (some of you lovely ladies refer to that time as your TOM, but it's just my company) so its expected.  Last night I ate more than have been able to since surgery and it didn't feel good physically so I'm guessing I ate TOO MUCH.

- maybe this is TMI, but I'm so glad my bowels are starting to go back to normal.  After being on a liquid diet for 4 weeks I never thought I'd have a normal BM again.

- I go for my first adjustment in just over 2 weeks.

- I have my first appointment with the behavioral health specialist tomorrow.  I'm determined to make the most of this band experience - mind, body and soul.  I'm not sure what to expect, but I want to take advantage of what Dr. Geller's program has to offer, and free appointments with BH specialists are in my future.  I'm ready to figure out why everyone else sees a beautiful confident woman in me, and I don't feel that way.  I must be a good pretender.  I'm ready to figure out why I'm so free to love and give to everyone else, but not myself.  I'm ready to conquer the emotions and feelings that made me the way I am because I REFUSE TO FAIL!

- I am going to a surprise "Pretty Pretty Princess" party tonight for my cousin.  She's turning 31.  Yes you read that right. 

- My 10 year old cousin shaved her head for St. Baldrick's this past Sunday.  It broke my heart not to be there on stage with her (I did it last year), but I have promised next year to her.  I love that such a young woman can be so brave to walk down the halls of middle school bald, by choice!

Ok, that's all for now, if there's more, which I'm sure I missed something I'll post it later. 

Hi ho, hi ho, it's back to work I go...

So yes, I finally went back to work yesterday, and between reading emails, and figuring out the mess that was left on my desk, I proceeded to catch up on the beautiful blogs that I had fallen behind on while I was off.  My work chair is so much more comfortable than my home computer chair.  So I read and read and read yesterday.  The only problem is for some reason I can't comment from work...Boo...So my plan was to comment when I got home last night, good plan right?  Hahaha...I passed out as soon as I got home and woke up long enought to take a shower and then went back to bed.  So hopefully tonight.  I'm reading, even if I'm not commenting, I promise!!

Three things...

So my last post I was so concerned with how difficult my recovery had been, that I failed to mention all the good things that went on while I was in recovery...Drugs make you go into your own little world, and when you "wake up" everything is such a surprise! 
- My best friend from college and her family drove 100 miles to visit me for a couple of hours.  It was so great to see her (and her pregnant belly), her husband and my god-child. 
- A dear friend of mine gave birth to the most beautiful set of twin boys I have ever seen.  (I feel a trip to Dallas in my future soon so I can officially meet them.  I can't wait to get my hands on them!) 
- I have dinner with friends every Sunday night, and we had a soup night just so I could be a part of it (aren't they sweet?)  I have the most supportive friends ever!
- There's many more, but those are my highlights.

And the second of my two things - I start mushies tomorrow...I'm gearing up for a grocery trip in a minute.  I'm so excited...I've been on all liquids for a month, I'm not sure I know what to do with myself.

And finally, I read Theresa's blog about the excitement in Louisiana right now, and it makes me yearn for Derby time here in Kentucky.  6 more weeks doesn't seem like a long time to wait, but I read about all the festivals and I understand in some way how much fun she's having because soon, very soon, Louisville will be a buzz with excitement and festivals and parades and parties as well.  Thank you for sharing your pictures Theresa!!

One more thing, I have to leave you with the faces that end my weekend each and every Sunday.  How could your Monday not start off right after loves from sweet little ones like this?  It was great to have someone to share jello with! (Twins seem to be a common theme in my life right now.) 

So outta touch, but I'm back...

I'm alive, and well finally...

It's been a rough week.  Well rough is putting it mildly...surgery pain I expected, but I definitely didn't expect to have so many complications with medications.  First the main pain medication made me extremely nauseous, as to be expected...but now when I'm asked if I'm allergic to any medications, the answer will be an resounding YES!!  It really sucks to find this out when you have abdominal surgery and the effect is has on me is vomiting.  All this from the medication that was suppose to make my stomach NOT queasy!  SHEW.  Phenogren is not my friend.  Side note: the doctor is not worried about the vomiting as there was nothing in the band or in my stomach. 

Other than not sleeping because of no pain meds, things went ok...but not sleeping more than a couple hours at a time takes it's tole on someone.  Last night was the first night I was successful, and I'm happy to say I slept for 11 hours!  I woke up feeling like a champ.

I'm having a hard time timing my protein shakes.  I'm definitely sick of them, but I've decided I'm going to play with flavors a bit more so maybe they'll be not so boring.  I am eating jello and soups and Popsicles, but can't seem to get all my protein in if I don't have two shakes. 

Well, I'm exhausted.  I have taken pictures, but I'll upload them tomorrow.  I only wish I had taken some before my pre-surgery diet too because I can tell a huge difference already. 

Less than 24 hours...I'll be banded too!

I'm not nervous, I'm not scared, I'm not even anxious...I'm just ready.  I've worked so hard to get to this point, but I'm ready for the real work to begin.

3 more days...

That's all! 

I'm surprised I'm not in jail...

I really thought I couldn't do this last week.  I mean, really, I was about to eat my arm off.  I was hungry, tired, cranky, and just plain bitchy.  I didn't answer the phone at work, I had road rage while driving, I said mean and nasty things to my loved ones...and I'm surprised I'm not alone.  I truly thought that I'd blog more last week to keep my mind off food, but to be honest it was all I could do to make it through the work day and drive myself home.  I was that weak...even with the occasional chicken I am allowed to have. 

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH"  (Those are the heavenly voices in case you can't tell) Enter my angels and their saving wisdom.  So I go for my hair appointment on Saturday and it happens that Susan is the appointment before mine, unbeknown to me.  Susan is a childhood friend of mine who just graduated from medical school and is currently training for a figure competition.  Let me tell you this woman is BUFF and TOUGH and the best friend I could have on my side right now.  The other angel is Brian, my stylist...he's always my angel.  So I see both of them, I'm in a safe place mentally because I trust them, and I just break down in tears because of frustration and not being able to control my hunger and having no energy.  Dr. Susan went into high gear and to make a long story short, between protein shakes, super green food and multi-vitamins I have more energy now than I did before I started this whole liquid crap thing.  And to top it all off, I have a HOT HOT HOT new do!!

Sleep is a beautiful thing...

So yesterday was a hard day.  But I thought I'd check in today...I'm so much better.  It's amazing what a night of great friends, sweet babies and good sleep will do for ones soul.  I thought long and hard about a lot of stuff yesteday and I know I have a lot of decisions to make about my friendship and what happened yesterday morning...and whatever happens, I know the decision I make is best for me.   But at the same time, there are so many in my life that I won't have to make decisions about, there won't be an incident that happens, and for this I'm grateful. 
So I'm ready to start all liquids tomorrow..I'm nervous, but I'm ready.  Know what this means - TWO MORE WEEKS.

Amanda @ Life of a Hopeful Loser, I have gotten your message (THANK YOU), but haven't had a chance to respond...there will be a message coming your way tonight!

Last Hoorah!! and then SPLAT, right on my face!

I have the most amazing people in my life. Last night a group of those who mean the most to me went out with me for my last hoorah before the dreaded liquid diet starts and a new life begins.  I had a blast, of course I can't speak for anyone else, but I'm the one that matters right :0).  I met my aunt and uncle, and a few friends, at a creepy little bar to listen to an amazing local Bluegrass band.  Totally worth the creepy bar.  If you like Bluegrass check out the Whiskey Bent Valley Boys.   Anyway, my uncle and I are pretty close, and I walked into the bar and he said "we need to talk."  The first thing I said to him was if he was going to lecture me that we didn't need to talk.  I didn't get a lecture...He just wanted to make sure I was happy and comfortable with my decision.  When I said YES, I got a big hug and "I'm proud of you."  Perfect way to start a perfect night. 

You know what goes great with Bluegrass?  BOURBON!!!  Are my Kentucky roots showing?  Yes, bourbon and I were great friends last night.  I then met the rest of the crew at another local bar.  My cousins are some of my best friends and they were there in droves (there's lots of them as I'm from a big Italian-Catholic family).  An old friend crawled out of the woodwork to come see me and it brought me to tears.  We've had our ups and downs, but he's always been one of my biggest supporters.  My best friend from work came for the whole night, Bluegrass and all.  It's so great to hang out outside of the grind of the cubicles.  Poppet made an exception to stay out late even though this morning was church, and another friend put the babies to bed and came out.  He timed it perfectly so he would be home before the youngest (1 month) woke up for her feeding.  Amazing for people to work around their lives for me!!!  I was on a high last night to say the least. 

Here's a picture that was taken of me when I wasn't aware.  I was talking to them through a break in the glass...I'm not sure all those lumps and bumps are my coat.  Thank God surgery's only a couple weeks away.

So then SPLAT this morning.  As you can imagine I was pretty intoxicated last night, duh!  Poppet drove me to his apartment, I spent the night there, his alarm went off a billion times at the ass-crack of dawn and I was the only one that heard it for an hour...GRRRRR.  I'm hungover, and he has the most irritating alarm known to man.  No SPLAT yet, I know you're waiting for it.  He finally gets up, no more alarm, PRAISE THE LORD!  We talk for a while until he has to get ready for church and there's a phone call from a mutual friend he goes to church with asking if I'm still there and the phone shouldn't be on speaker...almost SPLAT, but not yet.  Then the conversation continues about what has to be hidden from me, hmmmmm.  Best friends and secrets don't mix.  He tells me, and SPLAT.  Figurative slap in the face.  Argument ensues.  Tears follow, I turn my back to him while he's talking (ohhh so rude, I know).  I storm out in tears, race off in my car and just drive the longest way home I know how.  I feel like shit.  I have no more tears left.  Arguing with him is the worse feeling ever, and it happens so rarely that it freaks me out.  Things always seem strained after an argument, like a friendship has to be rebuilt.  I know this is not true, otherwise it wouldn't be such a long lasting friendship, but goodness this sucks.  I'm a fixer and I want to make everything right, but I know I can't do that alone this time.  While I didn't say anything I didn't mean, I didn't say it in an appropriate situation.  I have let a lot of shit build up on me for a long time, and letting it all out right now doesn't feel much better.  But keeping it in wasn't working for me either, it was crushing me, messing with my head.  Catch 22 I suppose.  I know he is going to read this because I asked him to read another post, and I hope it doesn't piss him off.  But if it does, all I can say is what I tell you often, this is my reality.  It doesn't matter how it is from another prospective, I can look at it through someone else's eyes, but in the end, my reality is what is my life. 

I have a lot of work to do.  I hold onto things because there's never a right time to say how I feel or what I want, but lesson learned, I need to make time before it rushes out like a flood and overwhelms someone else.  Is that where this compulsiveness comes from?  Does anyone else go through this?  I have been sitting here typing various things for two hours so I'm not rooting through the kitchen, and I have no idea if anyone is going to read this, but holy crap, know if you do, I thank you. 

Billie Holiday and Help Please!!!

So I've been reading a little bit about Billie Holiday.  Her childhood and the questions that surround her paternity, her rise to success even though she had obstacles to overcome (did you know she had a range of just over an octave?), her relationships, and her addictions.  There's a quote that I've hung onto for quite some time, but now it means more to me knowing about the person who said it, and knowing what I'm about to go through...

The difficult I can do today.  The impossible will take a little longer. - Billie Holiday
I need to see this everyday...I'm thinking about writing it on my arm in permanent marker.  I'm really serious about this.

HELP NEEDED -
Know anyone who did a full liquid diet before surgery?  Will you put me in contact with them please?

I received my pre-op packet yesterday from Dr. Geller's office...WTF??  I was fully prepared for a pre-op diet, but I wasn't prepared for two weeks of only liquids!  Oh, let me mention that these liquids can't include dairy and caffeine.  Thinking about this makes me queasy...can I do it?  How am I not going to pass out from weakness?  I know I need to go back through the blogs I've read and find someone who did a liquid pre-op and see how they did it, but right now quitting smoking seems like it was a cake walk compared to what this is going to be!  I know I can do it, I just need all my ducks in a row before I start so I don't set myself up for failure when the time comes to start.  So tomorrow starts to the journey of coming off leaded coffee (diet coke is already cut out).  Wish me luck cause I'm nervous and I'm trying not to think about it until I have to...

Alright, Grey's is a re-run again, so it's a good book tonight for me. 

Top 10 Great Things from Friday through Monday...

10. Puppy kisses are wonderful.

9. I finally cleaned out my junk closet.

8. I still love my job and amazing work family after almost 6 years.

7. The STEELERS are going to the Super Bowl.

6. I had dinner with my college roommate this weekend, and it was great to catch up.

5. I bought a new coffee pot since the old one broke...oh sweet java how I've missed you!  (Work coffee just sucks)

4. Sunday dinner with my friends was wonderful, as always.  Baby laughter (x4 - 2 sets of twins) is a great way to start my week.  There's something about kissing little people (who are suppose to be chubby) that makes me so happy!

3. My Kentucky Wildcats won Saturday's ball game.

2. The STEELERS are going to the Super Bowl.  (Did I already say that?  Well it was worth saying twice.)

1. And finally, I got a call from Dr. Geller's office today...It's official!  I have a date.  I WILL BE BANDED ON FEBRUARY 22ND.

WTF...

Not WTF as in "what the fuck" but "Wednesday, Thursday and Friday"

It's been a rough week, and I see I've got a lot of learning I'm going to have to do in terms of how I deal with stress and emotion. 

Just a bit of a back story, I have been so lucky to have known all of my grandparents.  Some for much longer than others, but still, I've known them all and most of them well into my adulthood.  So at the start of this journey in November, my Papa got very sick very suddenly and passed away just a few days later.  I was a Papa's girl, and while it's never easy to lose someone you love, it's hard to lose someone so fast and to something that could have taken any of us just as quick as it took him (he passed away from a staph infection, more specifically MRSA). 

Back to this week.  Wednesday was hard because it was my Papa's birthday.  He has always been so supportive of my "program" (that's what he has always called my weight loss attempts) because he knew what it was like to be a big person and lose a lot of weight.  He lost 80 pounds on his own.  I was doing ok with that, I went to the cemetery (which I do often actually especially when it's warmer outside) and just talked (in my head, otherwise I would look super crazy).  Is it weird that I find comfort, serious comfort, from being at the grave site of my grandparents?  Be honest.  I'm crazy aren't I?

So I get home, go through my routine, take a shower, and when I get out of the shower, there's a text from my ex.  WTF?  Seriously this time WHAT THE FUCK?  This man didn't have high self esteem when we were together, and tore me down, way down, to feel better about himself.  Mind you, this wasn't the military's version of tearing you down to build you back up.  And then he left, leaving me a mess, feeling like crap, wondering what I did, and eating my insecurities.  So I started thinking, and all the feelings of when he left me came back - cue water works please.  I don't want to start beating myself up again before I go to sleep, as I was in bed at this point, so I text a good friend of mine...but alas, he's been called into work early, and when he asks if I'm ok so as not to worry him, I tell him yes...as I'm sure one can imagine, I cried myself to sleep Wednesday night.

Oh Thursday, that was a special day too.  Thank god work was busy for part of the day.  So I called Anthem to check on the status of my pre-authorization for the surgery.  "I'm sorry ma'am, we haven't received anything for a surgery."  Seriously?!!?  Then anxiety driving home because my wonderful place of employment decided that we needed to stay until the heaviest part of the snow fall and then we could leave to begin our journeys home.  Thanks.  I made it home in one piece, but I was frustrated that my surgery hadn't even been submitted yet :0( ...

...And I felt really bad for lying to my friend last night.  It seriously was eating me up.  The friendship I have with him is unique.  We dated for about 2 weeks 5 years ago, and then I didn't talk to him for about 3 months.  Ever since then, we've been very close.  Very odd, but we have a nickname for each other from the Pirates of the Caribbean movies.  So lets just call him Poppet.  My time with Poppet lately has been limited because I work first shift and he works third shift and a part time position too.  We used to watch Monday night prime time together, but that has fallen by the wayside, so since the holidays I've seen him twice and only at the bar.  When things were going on with the ex, he was there to tell me I was a real person inside and out no matter what butt-head tried to make me feel.  Honestly, Poppet is someone who has always made me feel special and appreciated for me and not self conscious of my size and how it fluctuates.  He met me at my smallest as an adult and is still here at my largest.  I know my tears scare him, but he doesn't run away from them, and these past 5 years I have been so grateful for that.  I haven't had the opportunity to really talk to him about how fast things are moving for me with this banding thing, and how happy/nervous/scared (just being honest)/hopeful/determined I am about the whole experience and how I'll need his support in this too.  There is a point to all this.  I freaked out last night with tears, after I ate.  I am just glad I don't keep much in the house that is an easy grab and shove in my mouth (that doesn't stop me, but it makes it harder), but I did have a bag of chips.  Those are gone.  So, I'm feeling guilty for lying and I have to come clean.  And I did...and I think I freaked him out.  But here's part of the message...

"...I feel like I'm losing you in a round about way, and I need you now more than ever.  You being my Poppet, I need to know that you understand what I'm doing, and what's going to happen physically and mentally.  ...I'm going to lose my safety blanket and have to learn who I really am without it to protect me.  I need to know before it all starts if you're on board (because there are those who aren't with me in this, and I say fuck 'em)"

I felt like I had to put it out there.  He hasn't really showed any interest in wanting to know what I'm about to do, which is fine because it's my body...but it scares me too because of the changes I feel are coming and I just need to feel that he's willing to have our friendship grow with me.  It was brought to my attention the other day that maybe I am outgrowing him.  That maybe he and I are on different paths and I'm holding myself back with this friendship.  As I type this my heart hurts and tears are in my eyes.  I don't know.  Only time will tell.

On to today.  I call Dr. Geller's office at 2p just to see how long it takes to get everything processed.  She tells me just a couple of days.  So then I proceed to tell her that I've already called the insurance company and they don't have it..."oh it's in the stack to send today," she says.  Don't try to fool me honey, insurance is my business, I know medical insurance like the palm of my hand, and if there is something I don't know, I know how to find the answer fast!  With all that, hopefully they did send it today, and yes, I will check on Monday, and I'll have an answer next week and be able to set a date!!!!

So I have one more question.  I quit smoking in November...and I really want a cigarette right now but I'm not gonna go buy any.  Why is it so easy to resist smoking but not eating? 

Holy shit, this is therapeutic.  I feel so much better...maybe this is what I should have been doing last night. 

Well, have a safe and happy weekend.  Be careful in the snow...the Ohio Valley is gearing up for more on Monday.  Yippee!!  (I can't wait 'till the spring.  I can't wait 'till Derby time.)

I'm gonna throw up...

'cause I'm so excited, nervous, and close to my primary goal!!  It's finally seeming real to me.  This is going to happen.  It seems like it's been such a long road, but when I really look at it, not as long as it could have been.

Sometime last year I really started thinking about surgery and this past summer I researched until I couldn't research anymore.  There was no doubt in my mind this is what I had to do. 

October - told mom this is what I wanted to do.  She and I found seminar for center I choose and registered. 

November 19th - Bariatric Seminar - I could have done without this...really, some people are so ignorant!!  But it was important to go because mom was with me and she got to hear what this craziness is all about. 

December 16th - Initial Evaluation - I walk into the Bariatric Center, step on the most ominous looking scale (it reminds me of the one they use on the Biggest Loser, just a huge platform in the floor...really, I don't feel THAT big).  Not a good start, but things got better.  I watched a movie about different people's experiences with each stage of weight loss surgery.  Then the nurse and I talked about what I can expect from the rest of my appointment and the rest of my life really - what changes I'll have to make to be successful, what will sabotage me, what resources are available to me when I need them, and much more.  Enter the psychologist.  She looked like Edna Mode, the seamstress from the Incredibles.  She has this stack of papers, and she ruffles through them to find what she's looking for, the packet I filled out after I attended the Seminar.  She asks me the same questions that I filled out in the packet and takes notes next to her highlights and on her separate paper...odd for sure, but I trust she was doing her job trying to find out if I was truly crazy or not.  (I can't pass judgement about anyone else because I know I am for wanting this so bad).  Next enter the dietitian.  She was passionate about what she did and it showed.  I walked out of there feeling like I could do this (and if I felt stuck, I have help)...and that's what matters. 

Today, January 18th - Meeting with surgeon - and I think I'm in love.  I'm on the Dr. Geller bandwagon.  I was so nervous and excited last night...like a kid on Christmas eve wondering if they've been good enough all year for Santa to come.  I didn't sleep much, and was up as soon as the alarm clock went off.  I even beat the staff to the office this morning.  At the same time, I really thought I was going to be sick.  I wanted this over with.  Like everything else in this process I had to wait when I got there, but once the waiting was over, it was so worth it.  At every step of the process I was asked if I had any questions.  So once Dr. Geller came in, he didn't beat around the bush.  He told me what I was up against, how much I should weigh to be at a healthy weight, told me all the complications that could come from this, and most importantly didn't promise me a miracle.  It's been well ingrained into my head that I will have to work.  Nothing is being handed to me on a silver platter, but rather, something more like a road map to keep me on the right track.  When I have direction, I can hit it out of the ball park!!

****ON ANOTHER NOTE -
I guess with last night's nervousness, I got a little emotional, as I tend to do.  I starting having a pity party.  I was really hard on myself  the way I looked.  How I could let myself get to this point, but that's a usual inner fight for me.  I was also really hating my hair last night.  I shaved my head this past March in honor of a friend of mine who has had a long going battle with cancer.  She is fighting, and it was what I could do to show my support.  I am in that awkward growing out phase, and to be frank, it's a battle daily. 

Today, I've come to some conclusions...first my hair.  It's growing back.  That's all I can ask for.  Being bald for a while was extremely important to me to support J and others who battle cancer like she does, and honor the memory of A.  These women are/were amazing in their strength and drive in this battle, and that's more I can say for myself in some tough situations in life.  My frustration is nothing compared to those who battle this disease daily, and so every time I start to feel sorry for myself and my hair situation, I'm going to say a little prayer for J to remind me that my battle is nothing.

Now my body.  I've lived most of my 30+ years as plus size.  I don't know what it's like to be a "normal" shape and size.  I've been healthier at times than I am now, but still plus size.  That being said, I'm a damn lucky woman.  I'll start from the top.  I don't have sleep apnea.  I have a healthy heart capable of loving and caring about my family and friends.  No heart disease, no high blood pressure.  I have managed to escape the torture of GERD.  I may be sweet as sugar (depending on who you ask), but I don't have diabetes.  While I may laugh so hard at times I feel like I am going to wet myself, urinary incontinence is not something I have to worry about.  I do have PCOS, but this is something that can get better from losing weight.  Yeah!  I have been blessed with limbs that work just fine.  I have no joint degeneration in my knees as far as I know.  So while I tend to beat myself up, my body, even though I may not have been so great to it, has been nothing but wonderful to me, never failing me or letting me down.  I guess I can think of the band as my gift to it.

It's a waiting game...

But I thought games were suppose to be fun.  It seems like everything is hurry up and wait lately.  I have to wait for my appointment with Dr. Geller, and while I have a date, time is moving at a snail's pace to get there.  Tomorrow it will be a week until I meet him - a week too long. 

I really feel like I'm in a place of limbo.  I know once I get the thumbs up from Dr. Geller (because I will), I'm going to have to wait for the insurance approval...so more waiting. 

I've started going back to the gym.  At one time, I was a true gym rat and loved every minute of it.  Well, that's a lie, I loved lifting weights and I loved the high of being done with a work out.  I felt so beautiful (even though I know I looked like crap) when I was finished.  Back to my point, since I'm just now getting back into it, it's just cardio for me right now, and damn it hurts.  A friend of mine told me that muscles have memories, and it won't take long for me to feel confident again about being on an elliptical...but I want it now.  I know working out is not the most comfortable thing, but I'm truly waiting for it to stop aching this much. 

My time will come...until then, I wait...

Stalking - Is it a crime?

I'm not talking about real stalking, duh!  (Those days are over for me.)  I'm talking about blog stalking.  It sounds so bad, STALKING...But to be perfectly honest, this "stalking" is the best kind of research that I've done.  Pages and pages about the science of some band that I want around my stomach do me no good if I can't learn from the experiences of others...because, as I see it, those who write those informational sites probably have never had the experince that I want to put my body through. 

For those of you I've been stalking, THANK YOU.  Your stories, your experiences and your honesty have made me more determined in my decision (and more anxious in my waiting for something, anything, to happen on the doctor + insurance side of things).  I see that women I don't know, but yet feel like I have a huge connection with, have done this with success and overcome challenges too.  If so many of you can do this, hell, I can too. 

The Good Fight...

I know I said it was bedtime, but I meant to do this earlier and the Biggest Loser distracted me.

I have always been a huge Paulo Coelho fan.  He's a brilliant author.  It just so happens the book I'm reading right now, The Pilgrimage, is exactly what I need to be reading - better than the Alchemist.  I want to share part of it.

"The Road you are traveling is the Road of power, and only the exercises having to do with power will be taught to you.  The journey, which prior to this was torture because all you wanted to do was get there, is not beginning to become a pleasure.  It is the pleasure of searching and the pleasure of an adventure.  You are nourishing something that very important - your dreams."

"We must never stop dreaming.  Dreams provide nourishment for the soul, just as a meal does for the body.  Many times in our lives we see our dreams shattered and our desires frustrated, but we have to continue dreaming.  If we don't, our soul dies..."

"The good fight is the one we fight because our heart asks it of us..."

"The good fight is the one that's fought in the name of our dreams.  When we're young and our dreams first explode inside us with all of their force, we are very courageous, but we haven't yet learned how to fight.  With great effort, we learn how to fight, but by then we no longer have the courage to go into combat.  So we turn against ourselves and do battle within.  We become our own worst enemy.  We say that our dreams were childish, or too difficult to realize, or the result of our not having known enough about life.  We kill our dreams because we are afraid to fight the good fight."

"we always know which is the best road to follow, but we follow only the road we have become accustomed to."

For dreams and journeys, keep fighting the good fight...

Biggest Loser

So I vowed that I wasn't a Biggest Loser watcher after the first couple of seasons, but for some reason today the remote found it's way to NBC.  Lucky for me it's the season premiere.  Watching the first half of this show has really brought out some emotions in me...some good and some not so good. 

So I guess first I have to say that my appointment with Dr. Geller is now set.  I meeting with him at 9a on Tuesday January 18th.  So, yes, this is becoming real and not just a dream.

Ok, back to Biggest Loser.  I watched the weigh-ins, especially for the women, and I thought to myself that I don't look that big, then they step on the scale, and yes, I am that big and bigger.

I see these teams and how they push and encourage each other along in the challenge.  They came to the game with no one but their partner.  I'm not sure I could be successful that way...I'm blessed in that I have so much encouragement - from the support team I met at the bariatric center, to my family, to the select group of friends I have chosen to tell already.  I wasn't really sure what kind of reaction I'd get, and while I got some reactions that weren't ecstatic in my decision, there isn't anyone against my decision.  The best reaction was from my Cat in Lexington.  I will hold on to her reaction forever because it made my heart happy.  I can't explain the excitement I heard in her voice when I told her, and then the tears began.  Even though I'm just in the beginning stages, she has called and asked about every step.  She is gathering tips for me on how to be successful from others she knows that have started this journey before me.  I feel like she's my biggest cheerleader.  Come to think of it, in everything, Cat's been by my side even though she lives almost 100 miles away - she's laughed with me and cried with me and has never asked for anything in return.  Crazy analogy, but Cat is my clear nail polish.  I can't always see her, but the strength she provides is always with me.  Cat - I am blessed to have you in my life, I am honored you and Jerod chose me to be Madeline's godmother, and I am eternally grateful for your friendship these past 14 years. 

Other than my mom, I was so nervous to tell one particular person...I can't really justify why I was so nervous other than she was by my side when I thought that this extra tool was a cop-out to diet and exercise.  Don't get me wrong, I was successful with diet and exercise, and she cheered me on everyday and in every way.  But I was too caught up on the end game, and not what I had to do to get there.  Because I wasn't taking one day at a time, I got frustrated and I lost focus, and when I lose focus I can't finish what I've started.  So I call, and tell her point blank that this is the decision I've made.  I have no idea why I thought I wouldn't have her support because that assumption was totally wrong.  Dr. Susan, I've got my focus back and I didn't realize how much I was crying out for help.  I've asked for help and it's a relief.  I can't imagine how hard it is to watch a friend do what I've done to my body and know from a medical brain what I'm really doing to myself.  I guess I'm thinking of the band as a tool to remind me of where my focus is when I lose sight of it.  I've got until June I think until you move on, but know after you find your new destination that I want to share my victories with you...this blog might be my way to do it.

Ok, I think it's past bedtime for me...