I'm out of hiding...

I hate it when I go into hiding, but was one crazy busy week last week and the week before.  Things were super hectic at work, and that's usually where I blog and read about all you amazing women.  Needless to say I'm super behind on what's going on in your worlds. 

Then my world blew up this past Saturday.  I guess you need a bit of a back story for this to make sense.  Several years ago I was in a mentally abusive relationship for just over a year.  He beat me down, and not like the military so he could build be back up stronger.  As I look back on that relationship, he had no self esteem and saw that I was a independent woman at the time, so in order to keep me he felt he had to bring me down to his level.  I was made to feel worthless, kept from my family and friends, and basically under his thumb.  It's taken so long to start to build myself back up.  So back to the present.  I went out to dinner with some friends.  I didn't think I knew where we going, but ended up I did.  It's a bar/restaurant that goes by two different names that he and I used to be regulars at.  As soon as I pulled into the parking lot, I freaked out.  I've put so much effort into moving on, and just one place can bring it all back.  Negative feelings of worthlessness, self defeat, and just plain disgust all came rushing back onto me.  I didn't want to bring it up with my friends, and I don't know why I didn't blog about it right then, but rather I can home and had a flood of tears.  I've been challenged by the therapist to feed my soul instead of my body, so I've found a devotional focused on being a confident woman.  I couldn't get enough of it that night.  I felt then I couldn't run to my family and friends because of the crap I got from them about being with him in the first place and how I need to let go.  Ever been in an abusive relationship?  When you're in it, it's hard to see from the outside what others see looking in.  I see it now, but that doesn't make things any easier to forget.  Granted, I'm not missing him anymore like I did two years ago when we broke up, and I realize that it was a negative time in my life.  I wish I could go back and erase everything that happened, but since I can't I have to deal with it.  I hid for a long time, and I know I can't do that anymore.  I haven't had a negative reaction in terms of that relationship in so long, but at the same time I haven't intentionally put myself in a situation that would trigger any memories of it either.  So here's my motto in hard times from now on (thank you Garth Brooks for this)...

Standing Outside The Fire
We call them cool
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
And risk the tables being turned

We call them fools
Who have to dance within the flame
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
That always comes with getting burned

But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire

We call them strong
Those who can face this world alone
Who seem to get by on their own
Those who will never take the fall

We call them weak
Who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist
And for that forsake it all

They're so hell-bent on giving ,walking a wire
Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire

Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

There's this love that is burning
Deep in my soul
Constantly yearning to get out of control
Wanting to fly higher and higher
I can't abide
Standing outside the fire

Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

I'm ready to be a fool, to prove that I'm tough.  I'm ready to take the chance of being called "weak" if it means that I'm finally trying life again, I have nothing to lose and everything to gain...I'm not one to just survive, it's time to be fully alive in myself.

Yesterday was a better day and today is getting even better.  I keep telling myself that he has NO CONTROL over me.  I was a plus size woman when I met him, but damn I was an independent confident woman.  I carried myself as a woman who had nothing to lose.  She's coming back, and I'm ready for her to be back in full force.  I have you guys to thank for that too.  I know that even though I don't know you except for your words on a screen you are my sounding board for things band and life related, you have no idea how grateful I am that I found this community.  I count myself as truly blessed to have you (hands folded and head bowed to you), THANK YOU!