It's been a rough week, and I see I've got a lot of learning I'm going to have to do in terms of how I deal with stress and emotion.
Just a bit of a back story, I have been so lucky to have known all of my grandparents. Some for much longer than others, but still, I've known them all and most of them well into my adulthood. So at the start of this journey in November, my Papa got very sick very suddenly and passed away just a few days later. I was a Papa's girl, and while it's never easy to lose someone you love, it's hard to lose someone so fast and to something that could have taken any of us just as quick as it took him (he passed away from a staph infection, more specifically MRSA).
Back to this week. Wednesday was hard because it was my Papa's birthday. He has always been so supportive of my "program" (that's what he has always called my weight loss attempts) because he knew what it was like to be a big person and lose a lot of weight. He lost 80 pounds on his own. I was doing ok with that, I went to the cemetery (which I do often actually especially when it's warmer outside) and just talked (in my head, otherwise I would look super crazy). Is it weird that I find comfort, serious comfort, from being at the grave site of my grandparents? Be honest. I'm crazy aren't I?
So I get home, go through my routine, take a shower, and when I get out of the shower, there's a text from my ex. WTF? Seriously this time WHAT THE FUCK? This man didn't have high self esteem when we were together, and tore me down, way down, to feel better about himself. Mind you, this wasn't the military's version of tearing you down to build you back up. And then he left, leaving me a mess, feeling like crap, wondering what I did, and eating my insecurities. So I started thinking, and all the feelings of when he left me came back - cue water works please. I don't want to start beating myself up again before I go to sleep, as I was in bed at this point, so I text a good friend of mine...but alas, he's been called into work early, and when he asks if I'm ok so as not to worry him, I tell him yes...as I'm sure one can imagine, I cried myself to sleep Wednesday night.
Oh Thursday, that was a special day too. Thank god work was busy for part of the day. So I called Anthem to check on the status of my pre-authorization for the surgery. "I'm sorry ma'am, we haven't received anything for a surgery." Seriously?!!? Then anxiety driving home because my wonderful place of employment decided that we needed to stay until the heaviest part of the snow fall and then we could leave to begin our journeys home. Thanks. I made it home in one piece, but I was frustrated that my surgery hadn't even been submitted yet :0( ...
...And I felt really bad for lying to my friend last night. It seriously was eating me up. The friendship I have with him is unique. We dated for about 2 weeks 5 years ago, and then I didn't talk to him for about 3 months. Ever since then, we've been very close. Very odd, but we have a nickname for each other from the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. So lets just call him Poppet. My time with Poppet lately has been limited because I work first shift and he works third shift and a part time position too. We used to watch Monday night prime time together, but that has fallen by the wayside, so since the holidays I've seen him twice and only at the bar. When things were going on with the ex, he was there to tell me I was a real person inside and out no matter what butt-head tried to make me feel. Honestly, Poppet is someone who has always made me feel special and appreciated for me and not self conscious of my size and how it fluctuates. He met me at my smallest as an adult and is still here at my largest. I know my tears scare him, but he doesn't run away from them, and these past 5 years I have been so grateful for that. I haven't had the opportunity to really talk to him about how fast things are moving for me with this banding thing, and how happy/nervous/scared (just being honest)/hopeful/determined I am about the whole experience and how I'll need his support in this too. There is a point to all this. I freaked out last night with tears, after I ate. I am just glad I don't keep much in the house that is an easy grab and shove in my mouth (that doesn't stop me, but it makes it harder), but I did have a bag of chips. Those are gone. So, I'm feeling guilty for lying and I have to come clean. And I did...and I think I freaked him out. But here's part of the message...
"...I feel like I'm losing you in a round about way, and I need you now more than ever. You being my Poppet, I need to know that you understand what I'm doing, and what's going to happen physically and mentally. ...I'm going to lose my safety blanket and have to learn who I really am without it to protect me. I need to know before it all starts if you're on board (because there are those who aren't with me in this, and I say fuck 'em)"
I felt like I had to put it out there. He hasn't really showed any interest in wanting to know what I'm about to do, which is fine because it's my body...but it scares me too because of the changes I feel are coming and I just need to feel that he's willing to have our friendship grow with me. It was brought to my attention the other day that maybe I am outgrowing him. That maybe he and I are on different paths and I'm holding myself back with this friendship. As I type this my heart hurts and tears are in my eyes. I don't know. Only time will tell.
On to today. I call Dr. Geller's office at 2p just to see how long it takes to get everything processed. She tells me just a couple of days. So then I proceed to tell her that I've already called the insurance company and they don't have it..."oh it's in the stack to send today," she says. Don't try to fool me honey, insurance is my business, I know medical insurance like the palm of my hand, and if there is something I don't know, I know how to find the answer fast! With all that, hopefully they did send it today, and yes, I will check on Monday, and I'll have an answer next week and be able to set a date!!!!
So I have one more question. I quit smoking in November...and I really want a cigarette right now but I'm not gonna go buy any. Why is it so easy to resist smoking but not eating?
Holy shit, this is therapeutic. I feel so much better...maybe this is what I should have been doing last night.
Well, have a safe and happy weekend. Be careful in the snow...the Ohio Valley is gearing up for more on Monday. Yippee!! (I can't wait 'till the spring. I can't wait 'till Derby time.)
It sounds like you and Poppet have a very unique relationship... but it also seems he cares for you very much - and I can't imagine him not wanting to grow and adapt to your new journey and the band.
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