Losing... Better yet - Baby Steps, No Worries...

I wish that I could say that the title of this long overdue post was about losing weight...and while I have lost some, it's not where I want it to be.  But regardless, that's not what this is about today.  So much has happened since I've last blogged.  I thought, stupidly, that I didn't have time to blog, that there were more pressing things in my life, and before it all fell apart I was doing ok.  Weight was coming off, I was happy, things were going my way, and well life was good.  I was doing well at the gym, I thought I was doing well in keeping up with friends, and I was being myself.  I had met up with an old friend and the relationship moved into something more.

Then my life turned upside down...

On Thursday November 17th, one of my best friends celebrated his 30th birthday. Friday, November 18th just before midnight, I received a call telling me Cole had passed away from a massive heart attack.  At 30 years old, what the fuck!!??!!  I told the caller she was lying, I called her every name in the book, and then I broke.  Thank god my boyfriend was with me.  I don't know what would have happened if I had been alone.  Now, a month later, my crying is out, my screaming is out, and the hurt has set in.  I'm mad, and I know that no one deserves my anger, but I want to place it on someone, anyone.  Who was the doctor that misdiagnosed him with asthma when they should have been treating his heart?  Why did the God that I have put my faith in for 32 years take away such a vibrant and deserving life?  Why did such a good person have to be taken away when there are scumbags in this world who lie, cheat and steal?  At the same time, I'm trying with all my might to think about what he would say to me...in April of 2010 we lost a mutual friend due to an accidental Benadryl overdoes, he was a pillar of strength.  He focused on memories of her, good times with her, and the blessing she was in our lives.  Everyday, even though sometimes the anger creeps in, I'm picking a blessing.  I can't lie, it's hard at times.  But other days, they slap me in the face.  Sometimes, things happen and I know without a doubt that Cole is telling me he's with me.  And I know that someday, somewhere, I'll see him again - whatever you believe, heaven, a big conference room, another life, etc, it's gonna happen and I can't wait for that reunion...I know he'll have my seat saved and my drink waiting, cause that's my Boo. 

On top of all this, and probably because of all this, my relationship is not going so well.  My boyfriend is not being super supportive right now in my grieving process.  I guess it's better to see true colors now and not later.  Maybe he's not supportive because I'm not doting on him, or because my Poppet (do you remember him from a previous post? WTF I think) is making sure I'm holding up everyday...The BF insisted on going to the wake with me, and then wanted to hurry me out.  When I wasn't ready to leave and he was, I gave him the car keys and told him to sit in the car that I needed time to say goodbye.  I asked him not to come to the funeral with me after the way he acted at the wake, and without me asking Poppet was there by my side the whole time.  Dear boyfriend wasn't happy about that...Poppet isn't going anywhere, just like my memory of Cole will never leave me.  We will see what happens with the boyfriend, especially since my brothers are in town (happiness is my brothers!!) and I want him to be included, but I will not put off time with my family that I see twice a year because he chooses to pout. 

In memory of Cole, I'm going to leave you with his words of wisdom...

BABY STEPS.  NO WORRIES.

RIP Cole 11/17/81 - 11/18/11



You couldn't be around Cole without laughing hysterically.