So I have finally gotten to a place where I am ready to take care of me.  I have gotten rid of unsupportive boyfriend, good riddens.  I have moved much closer to work, and am therefore no longer driving 40+ miles round trip everyday.  This also means I'm closer to my family (as I've moved in with my cousins), am in a position to save money and get out of debt, and am finally in a place where I can truly grieve the loss of my friend without being judged and celebrate his memory as well. 

I hadn't weighed myself (or gone to the gym - in hindsight super bad plan) since Cole passed away, and I'm pretty happy with the fact that I only gained 4 pounds.  I started back to the gym last week and then came down with a pretty bad case of bronchitis a couple of days later...so that plan has been put on hold again.

I have been spending time with Poppet again.  A lot of time.  Daily time almost.  I'm not scared to say this even knowing that he knows about the blog, even knowing that potentially will read this post...but when you know you know.  I've known for a long time.  This is the man I want to build a life with, and now the feelings are mutual.  Several years ago I realized I had feelings for him, and while I made my feelings known, it wasn't right...so instead of being the scorned woman on the sidelines, I moved on and kept him in my life the way I could, as a friend, while I built a life for myself.  Our friendship only continued to grow stronger, and I can say with 100% certainty that this man is as close to me as another human being can be.  I can't imagine a better life than being with my best friend day in and day out.  I can be silly, I can be serious, I can be in a bad mood, I can be pensive, I can be ME and I don't feel judged.  We still work different shifts, but I can pretty much guarantee that everyday when I get off work I will talk to him when he wakes up, and that I will be up past my bedtime because I'm talking to him while he's at work.  It's always been Poppet, and every other man I've had in my life was just a stand-in waiting for him to grow up, if you will. 

Well, I guess that's all for now.  My goal is to be better at blogging.  I'm going to work on some goals, and post them, so look for that as my next blog.

Losing... Better yet - Baby Steps, No Worries...

I wish that I could say that the title of this long overdue post was about losing weight...and while I have lost some, it's not where I want it to be.  But regardless, that's not what this is about today.  So much has happened since I've last blogged.  I thought, stupidly, that I didn't have time to blog, that there were more pressing things in my life, and before it all fell apart I was doing ok.  Weight was coming off, I was happy, things were going my way, and well life was good.  I was doing well at the gym, I thought I was doing well in keeping up with friends, and I was being myself.  I had met up with an old friend and the relationship moved into something more.

Then my life turned upside down...

On Thursday November 17th, one of my best friends celebrated his 30th birthday. Friday, November 18th just before midnight, I received a call telling me Cole had passed away from a massive heart attack.  At 30 years old, what the fuck!!??!!  I told the caller she was lying, I called her every name in the book, and then I broke.  Thank god my boyfriend was with me.  I don't know what would have happened if I had been alone.  Now, a month later, my crying is out, my screaming is out, and the hurt has set in.  I'm mad, and I know that no one deserves my anger, but I want to place it on someone, anyone.  Who was the doctor that misdiagnosed him with asthma when they should have been treating his heart?  Why did the God that I have put my faith in for 32 years take away such a vibrant and deserving life?  Why did such a good person have to be taken away when there are scumbags in this world who lie, cheat and steal?  At the same time, I'm trying with all my might to think about what he would say to me...in April of 2010 we lost a mutual friend due to an accidental Benadryl overdoes, he was a pillar of strength.  He focused on memories of her, good times with her, and the blessing she was in our lives.  Everyday, even though sometimes the anger creeps in, I'm picking a blessing.  I can't lie, it's hard at times.  But other days, they slap me in the face.  Sometimes, things happen and I know without a doubt that Cole is telling me he's with me.  And I know that someday, somewhere, I'll see him again - whatever you believe, heaven, a big conference room, another life, etc, it's gonna happen and I can't wait for that reunion...I know he'll have my seat saved and my drink waiting, cause that's my Boo. 

On top of all this, and probably because of all this, my relationship is not going so well.  My boyfriend is not being super supportive right now in my grieving process.  I guess it's better to see true colors now and not later.  Maybe he's not supportive because I'm not doting on him, or because my Poppet (do you remember him from a previous post? WTF I think) is making sure I'm holding up everyday...The BF insisted on going to the wake with me, and then wanted to hurry me out.  When I wasn't ready to leave and he was, I gave him the car keys and told him to sit in the car that I needed time to say goodbye.  I asked him not to come to the funeral with me after the way he acted at the wake, and without me asking Poppet was there by my side the whole time.  Dear boyfriend wasn't happy about that...Poppet isn't going anywhere, just like my memory of Cole will never leave me.  We will see what happens with the boyfriend, especially since my brothers are in town (happiness is my brothers!!) and I want him to be included, but I will not put off time with my family that I see twice a year because he chooses to pout. 

In memory of Cole, I'm going to leave you with his words of wisdom...

BABY STEPS.  NO WORRIES.

RIP Cole 11/17/81 - 11/18/11



You couldn't be around Cole without laughing hysterically.



Bullets

Ok ladies, there has been so much going on that I feel it needs to be a bullet point kind of post...

• As for weirdo, guess he didn't get the point, because he kept calling and texting.  "I love you, I miss you."  He had my shoes after my cousins wedding and said that he would return them to me along with the 100+ pictures I took.  After three weeks of not getting them, I started to get mad.  The man had my SHOES.  What the hell did he want with my shoes?!?!  That was a way to push my buttons and he knew it.  I turn into a bitch when someone messes with my footwear, especially cute footwear that costs a pretty penny and is comfortable.  Drazil, I know you are a self proclaimed shoe expert, you feel me??  I was out for war and I let myself get worked up.  Along with the shoes, he had pictures of my family and I truly felt and still do feel disrespected.  I made it very public via Facebook that I was upset (I know, immature) and he sent me a message that he had left the stuff on my porch several day prior...well MOTHER F*&KER.  That means either he's lying and snuggling with my shoes at night or someone has stolen them.  I'll need to post a picture of my house, but no one would be able to see them on my porch if he left them where he said he did...so you guys know what I think.  He says that he has the pictures saved and will send them to me...guess what...still waiting for those.
• Speaking of Facebook, I have considered linking my blog to my FB account, but you know, there are things on here that i feel very comfortable sharing with you guys, but don't feel like the rest of the world needs to know.  It'd like you're my confidants.
• NOTE: R RATED BULLET - Now that that is said, here's a great reason why I don't want this linked with FB.  I'm going to confide in my best friends I've never met.  So since things have ended with weirdo, I've been hanging out with another friend more often.  Originally it started because the drive out to his house is so calming.  I turn off the radio, roll down the windows and just drive.  It's the perfect mix of highway and country roads.  So this friend and I have been hanging out more often because he listens, he has no expectations of me, and well, he's just fun.  I don't have to mind my p's and q's, I don't have to worry about how everything out of my mouth is going to be twisted and construed, I can be myself, and he understands my alien (what I've taken to calling my band) because he has a background in the medical field.  No it's not what you're thinking girls, or maybe it is, depending on what you're thinking ;0).  Let's just say this friend has become a different type of friend now...the type of friend with benefits.  I see the preview for "Friends with Benefits" with Justin Timberlake in the scene where he tells her that her ass is too boney (no my ass isn't boney), and it makes me chuckle.  I don't see this moving anywhere, but honestly it is so relaxing to be in a situation where a man accepts me for my brain (because we are friends), is concerned about my satisfaction first (because I've never been with a man like that before, holy shit that's amazing), and isn't demanding things that I need to do for him (girls this is a first for me).  END OF R RATED BULLET
• So onto the alien.  I have wanted so bad to give her a name.  Well she has one now.  Her name is Diamond, for many reasons.  First, diamonds are the strongest mineral on earth, and isn't that what this process is all about?  I'm working to find my strength.  Second, Diamond reminds me of a sassy girls name.  She has definitely been sassy as times.  She talks back and insists on having her way.  And third, a girlfriend of mine told me that Diamond is a strippers name...well, if this works the way I want it to, I'll look good enough to be a stripper right?
• My cousin is getting married in a week and a half.  Know what that means?  My brothers will be home!  And no weirdo to prevent me from spending time with them this time!!  I'm kinda bummed it's not this weekend because that means they would be home for my birthday, but beggars can't be choosers...I get to see my bubbies and I'm so excited.
• Well it's about time for me to head out now...but tomorrow I'll be at the NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK CONCERT.  My parents didn't by me a ticket when I was a little girl, so they bought me one for my 32nd birthday!

Hello my loverlies!

So I'm alive and working my ass off, literally.  If I'm not at work (full time or part time), then I'm at the gym and it feels amazing.  I don't know why it didn't dawn on me a hundred years ago that I could catch up on you guys at my part time job and respond to your blogs...so that's what I'm going to do now.  Bear with me, as I'm way far behind, but I'm super excited.  I'll catch you up on me at the FT job tomorrow.

What the hell have I done...too good to be true

I miss you girls.  I haven't been online to read your blogs or blog myself in God knows how long, I haven't been to therapy, I haven't been to the gym, I haven't taken care of myself.  Mentally, physically and spiritually I'm exhausted, I'm lost and I'm confused.  I put myself on the back burner and now I need to get back in check. 

Why you ask?  Because of a man.  A man who has turned out to be crazy as hell.  A boy who decided that after 6 weeks he loved me.  A man that went insanely jealous when my brothers came to town and I chose to spend time with them instead of solely spending my time with him (he was invited).  A man who claimed to understand my past abusive relationship but somehow started to act the same way and didn't quite get why i started to pull back.  A man who claimed to and still claims to love me and will do whatever it takes to build a life with me, but doesn't trust me.  A man who admired my independence but when it started to show got insecure. 

It's simple what I need to do, what I should do, and who I should be putting first...but the problem lies in the "fat girl" mentality.  I'm a fixer, I'm a pleaser, and it's not in my nature to hurt people on purpose.  At the same time, thanks to therapy, my former independent self is starting to resurface.  She's in there, and she's trying really hard to come out.  I was working on her before, and amazingly enough she was at the surface, but being with someone 24/7 with no time to myself does wondrous things to reverse the work that I have put so much time and effort into. 

I feel like I'm on a roller coaster and I say this to myself so often.  But again, it's time to put #1 first.  I'm currently shopping for a new gym, and I'm pretty sure I've found one.  I will start going to therapy again.  I will write and read blogs in this community.  I will come up with a schedule.  Baby steps, but changes are coming. 

I'm alive...

Man oh man, I seem to have been missing in action for a while.  Like the last post, things have still been a struggle for me, so not much has changed.  I feel frustrated, but it dawned on me today that I wrote this story of being overweight for myself.  I refuse to accept this story! It's kind of like those create your own ending books I used to read in grade school, it's time to create a new happy ending to this story.  I feel no restriction from my band so far, but that's no excuse.  My ending is in my own hands.  That being said, I started the couch to 5k program last night.  What torture!!  But it gives me something to work for.  Not instant gratification, but weekly results.  So I've checked in...and I promise to be more regular about posting.  Things have been so busy that I haven't even had time to read blogs...guess what I'll be doing tomorrow after I do the C25K and while the Idol results show is on...

Happy Wednesday!

The greatest 2 minutes in sports is in 5 days and counting...

It's hard to believe that I wait all year in anticipation for a horse race that lasts only two minutes.  Other things in my life that I "waited in anticipation for" and only lasted two minutes, I said no thank you the next time!  For weeks, Louisville has been in a buzz of excitement (Derby and flooding of a good part of downtown because of all this rain).  That being said, I haven't been ignoring this blog, just a bit busy...I have good intentions, but then something else comes up.

I've realized in the two weeks I've neglected to post or really read any blogs that this blog is my accountability in a way.  Reading your successes and struggles makes me realize I'm not alone.  Sharing my frustrations on here gives me the perspective that they really aren't so bad and I can work through them.  My weight loss has been none since I've last posted.  Maybe I need to start a ticker and put something up in my house so I have a visual of where I am and where I've come from.  I've talked to the dietitian and Dr. G's office and I'm still stuck as what to do.  The dietitian says I'm right on track with what I'm eating and Dr. G's office moved my fill up a week.  I'm going to the gym, but not like I should.  It's so rainy here and dark and gray that doing anything is just a drag. 

Well, I guess I better get back to work.  Have a lovely Monday.