What the hell have I done...too good to be true

I miss you girls.  I haven't been online to read your blogs or blog myself in God knows how long, I haven't been to therapy, I haven't been to the gym, I haven't taken care of myself.  Mentally, physically and spiritually I'm exhausted, I'm lost and I'm confused.  I put myself on the back burner and now I need to get back in check. 

Why you ask?  Because of a man.  A man who has turned out to be crazy as hell.  A boy who decided that after 6 weeks he loved me.  A man that went insanely jealous when my brothers came to town and I chose to spend time with them instead of solely spending my time with him (he was invited).  A man who claimed to understand my past abusive relationship but somehow started to act the same way and didn't quite get why i started to pull back.  A man who claimed to and still claims to love me and will do whatever it takes to build a life with me, but doesn't trust me.  A man who admired my independence but when it started to show got insecure. 

It's simple what I need to do, what I should do, and who I should be putting first...but the problem lies in the "fat girl" mentality.  I'm a fixer, I'm a pleaser, and it's not in my nature to hurt people on purpose.  At the same time, thanks to therapy, my former independent self is starting to resurface.  She's in there, and she's trying really hard to come out.  I was working on her before, and amazingly enough she was at the surface, but being with someone 24/7 with no time to myself does wondrous things to reverse the work that I have put so much time and effort into. 

I feel like I'm on a roller coaster and I say this to myself so often.  But again, it's time to put #1 first.  I'm currently shopping for a new gym, and I'm pretty sure I've found one.  I will start going to therapy again.  I will write and read blogs in this community.  I will come up with a schedule.  Baby steps, but changes are coming.